A lot of people have asked me, over the years, how they can manifest a better sexual relationship. My answer is always the same: simply use the standard principles for materializing something intangible like a better relationship, or better quality sex. These are the same principles as they are for manifesting something like a new house, great prosperity, or a new car.
You visualize your objective, you summon up emotional energy which motivates you to go out and achieve your objective, you expect your objective to manifest in your world, and you take action which will enhance the chances of it arriving for you within the timescale you set.
Now one of the things that becomes immediately apparent here is that it’s clear you have to know exactly what it is you want before you even start the process of manifestation.
In terms of a better sexual relationship, that could mean several things: it could, for example, mean that you found a partner with whom you could maintain harmonious relationships at all times, or it could mean you find a partner who gives you great joy – or of course, it could mean a partner who is able to satisfy your lover’s needs, in an open and nonjudgmental fashion.
The reason I mention this is because before you start manifesting anything, you need to know exactly what it is that you’re trying to achieve: a lot of people try to visualize a desired outcome without actually being clear about what it is that they are attempting to manifest in their lives!
I’m sure you can see that if you adopt this approach, the law of attraction, universal law though it undoubtedly is, is not going to respond to you very favorably.
The consciousness at work here is the collective consciousness which is produced by the working together of billions of human minds on this planet. Since you are a part of that force, it follows that you can manifest whatever you want by influencing that energetic field to produce your particular requirements.
And as you may also know, when trying to manifest anything it’s obviously better to engage in visualization with the complete belief that you are already in possession of whatever it is you wish to enter your life. In other words, you act “as if” you already had your desired objective.
Now I know something about this, because I’ve been in this position myself, after the ending of one relationship, and no sign of another coming along. What I did was to visualize myself in a relationship of great harmony and joy every afternoon for an hour for a whole three months – you may find people tell you that you can visualize your desired objective for only five minutes every day and it will manifest, and that may in fact be so…
But when I used the law of attraction – what I found is that because you need to be in a state of relaxation and meditation before visualization can alter the world around you, it’s often much more useful to invest a large amount of time so that you can relax properly before starting to picture your desired outcomes.
Manifesting the perfect partner.
So all that said, let’s distill it down again into summary form: the criteria which you are going to need to employ in the service of obtaining whatever you desire in your life.
First and foremost, you must have an absolutely crystal clear objective, and a time scale by which you wish to manifest your desires in your life.
Second is the necessity for providing your visualization and manifestation process with emotional energy in the shape of joy (or perhaps even anger) – but whatever form it takes, your emotion must be intense, and it must be directed out into the universal energy field at the same time as you express your desire.
Thirdly, you must expect your better relationship to actually manifest in your life – you may believe that it’s possible for some people to obtain a better relationship by means of manifestation, but you may feel that that will not apply to you!
And fourthly, you must take action of some kind: in this context, action might include signing up for a dating service on the Internet, or attending some kind of social activities where you can meet prospective partners – but be aware you don’t have to find the solution to your problems…
The point about action in the world is only this: that by taking action you demonstrate to the universal “guiding principle” that you are serious and can show determination to attain whatever it is that you are setting out to bring into your life.
The classic effect of delayed ejaculation on the male in crisis is to make him seek out more sexual stimulation in the hope of getting his erection back. Many men claim to love their partner but want to find out if a different, often a younger, woman will be helpful in getting them aroused enough to ejaculate again. This is an extreme measure, but it’s understandable. However before you try this, you may want to consider the effect of your actions on your existing relationship.
2 Use Viagra
Viagra can be very helpful in overcoming the effects of delayed ejaculation, if it is caused by psychological issues which can be resolved or assisted by a confidence boosting erection, produced chemically by Viagra. Men who experience delayed ejaculation as a consequence of emotional trauma or stress, and for whom this has become an ingrained response to sexual stimuli, may chooseto use Viagra as a quick remedy to get their confidence back. A man who has a physical based problem with his erections may choose to use Viagra to regain erectile capacity.
3 New sexual kinks
This might include unusual sexual activities – that is to say, unusual in the sense that they are new novel for the man concerned. So he might start to use porn, talk dirty during sex, want to tie his partner up or engage in mild S&M fantasies, or some other such things……it seems this is all about trying to get more sexual stimulation to become more aroused and so overcome delayed ejaculation. But such things are not the answer, because the depersonalising effects of porn, say, doesn’t help overcome the interpersonal issues asscoiated with delayed ejaculation and indeed may even take a man further away from his awareness of his level of arousal. What is needed is more renewed contact with oneself, not less, to start the process of discovering how to overcome the delays in reaching the point of ejaculation.
4 Avoid sex altogether
If you want to avoid delayed ejaculation, one way is to avoid sex altogether, and some men do indeed try this, but a relationship without sex can be boring for many men. Besides which, men are probably not willing – let alone designed – to go without sex, and avoiding sex is tantamount to avoiding the real issue. Sex is an essential part of who we are as men. Ask yourself if you will feel complete with no sex life? There are of course also potential effects on your relationship if you allow delayed ejaculation to shut off your sex life.
So if you, like many men, have delayed ejaculation problems, you need to solve them, because trying to make love to your partner and finding that you cannot reach orgasm may be a blow to both your self-esteem and her self-respect. The effects of delayed ejaculation on your self-esteem and your relationship can be devastating! Changing a partner – as we mentioned above – or trying a new one – is not a great way forward! If your relationship has real problems, then the answer may be to go for couples’ counselling, rather than try a new partner.
Bear in mind that delayed ejaculation is sometimes indicative of problems within the relationship. In most cases, though, a woman is as distressed by delayed ejaculation as her partner. This means that if you don’t get to the point of ejaculation, then you will most likely have a basic relationship problem. If you don’t attend to this, you will neither help the relationship to recover nor restore your self-esteem and that of your partner.
And a woman is usually not going to be content with this situation! She may be telling you that everything is “alright, really”, but the truth is rather different.
Treat your delayed ejaculation now, because it really is necessary!
Delayed ejaculation is best defined as follows: you can’t get aroused enough to reach orgasm through intercourse. You may wonder if this is really important. It is! You must treat your delayed ejaculation if you want your partner to be happy. If you’re not enjoying sex, what’s the point of the relationship? If you both are indifferent to delayed ejaculation, and you have no sex life, or one that accommodates delayed ejaculation, then fair enough. For other couples, delayed ejaculation may make the man feel impotent and emasculated, and lower the woman’s self-esteem.
Although you might question whether or not premature ejaculation is in fact a psychiatric condition, there is a definition present in the
DSM IV manual of the American Psychiatric Association.
This is a manual which lists all mental health disorders in both children and adults, describing not only the symptoms, but the statistics, prevalence, prognosis and causes of these conditions. You might also question whether or not a psychiatric manual is a good place for a definition of premature ejaculation, a condition which is much more the preserve of psychologists and sexual therapists than psychiatrists, but such is the nature of medicine –wishing to medicalize what may well be natural conditions in human existence.
The highly criticized DSM IV definition has been quoted widely in all kinds of places across the Internet. It is as follows:
Premature ejaculation, also known as rapid or early ejaculation, is defined as the persistent or recurrent onset of orgasm and ejaculation with minimal sexual stimulation before, on, or shortly after penetration and before the person wishes it. (This DSM definition also states that the condition must also cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.)
As you can see, in this definition, the criteria for defining male sexual performance is premature ejaculation are multifactorial, with concepts of personal distress, interpersonal difficulty, latency, and control over ejaculation or coming into the definition. That in itself, because many of these criteria are subjective, presents huge difficulty in formalizing a scientific definition of what is in some ways an impressionistic diagnosis.
Moreover, a lot of research in the past few years has demonstrated that many of these criteria are not supported by empirical scientific evidence. For example, many men who ejaculate quickly experience intercourse as profoundly satisfying and rewarding, and have no issues of shame or guilt around their rapid ejaculation. It would be interesting to know if this also applied to men with delayed ejaculation.
In many cases this lack of emotional distress is shared by the partner, either because intercourse is not important to her, or because the partner ensures that she reaches orgasm through oral or manual stimulation before intercourse begins.
Video – premature ejaculation
Subjective control over ejaculation is both variable from one sexual event to another, and between types of sexual events. So if a man begins intercourse when he’s not particularly aroused, he’s likely to be able to continue thrusting vaginally quite some time – rather longer than he would if he were highly aroused when he penetrated his partner.
Also, there is definitely a large influence around the man’s intention in sexual “performance”. When a man intends to make sex last longer, he takes the trouble to notice the warning signs that his ejaculation is about to occur, and he tends to take action to intervene and prevent it happening. By contrast, if he’s not interested in controlling his ejaculation he is likely to ignore these warning signs and simply surrender to the physical pleasure of orgasm and ejaculation. To complicate matters even further, many women would definitely like intercourse to last longer, but never say as much, or at least never admit as much to their partner, since they have accepted the compromise of orgasm through manual stimulation before intercourse begins.
There can be many reasons why woman accept such a compromise, but the most frequent of them is to maintain the harmony of the relationship.
So once again it’s clear that defining premature ejaculation is not a simple matter: when we move away from the simplistic time based observations of Alfred Kinsey and the unjustifiable assumptions of Masters and Johnson about female orgasmic capacity, to a definition that encompasses partner satisfaction, the waters become muddied even more. How then, can these difficulties to be resolved?
One approach would be to simply define PE on the basis of objective, identifiable factors such as duration of intercourse, leaving out any issues of partner satisfaction or dissatisfaction. In a way this makes sense, because it’s objective and measurable. However, an emerging body of evidence seems to suggest that when a man perceives he has little or no control over his ejaculation he really does experience a degree of stress, which certainly supports the DSM IV approach around the diagnosis and definition of premature ejaculation, an approach which clearly links PE to a negative emotional outcome for the man and woman concerned. Such negative outcomes are an essential part of the diagnostic criteria for many conditions, such as depression, hypertension, and even osteoporosis.
Masters and Johnson
Masters and Johnson, or more exactly Dr William H Masters and Virginia E Johnson, have often been described as pioneering sex researchers. What was different about their approach was that they were uninhibited in investigating human sexuality, and in regarding it as a normal aspect of our existence.
This fundamental shift in approach from previous decades allowed them to explore human sexual dysfunction, to diagnose sexual dysfunction, and to treat it, in a much more effective way than had previously been the case. Another difference in their approach was to take people into a residential setting, and give them training and education on how to overcome sexual dysfunctions and problems over a short period of time in an intense sequence of consultations.
They began their research at Washington University, and continued it at the independent foundation known as the Reproductive Biology Research Foundation in 1964, later known as the Masters and Johnson Institute from 1978 onwards. Their work is now documented by the Kinsey Institute. (See Kinsey’s definition of premature ejaculation here.)
A brief history of their research work is instructive in understanding how they could investigate premature ejaculation and come to what was effectively the first formal definition of premature ejaculation that had been attempted. They began by recording laboratory data on both the anatomy and physiology of men and women during sexual stimulation.
Using the sexually uninhibited approach referred to above, they watched over 10,000 cycles of human sexual response, and as a result were able to define previously unknown aspects of sexual arousal such as the exact way in which woman’s vagina lubricated prior to intercourse and during sexual arousal.
They also investigated the nature of human orgasm, demonstrating similarity between clitorally and vaginally produced orgasms, and demonstrating the capacity of women to have multiple orgasms. This work dispelled a great number of long-standing preconceptions about human sexuality.
Their best-known books were Human Sexual Response and Human Sexual Inadequacy, published in 1966 and 1970. (The partnership began actually in 1957, when Masters hired Virginia Johnson as a research assistant.)
Although Kinsey predated them in publishing work on human sexuality (specifically in his Kinsey reports of Sexual Behavior In The Human Male in 1948, and Sexual Behavior In The Human Female in 1953), Kinsey’s work had mostly been reportage of the frequency with which certain sexual behaviors were found in the human population.
Masters and Johnson were actually interested in studying the function and form of human sexual response, using such previously unknown techniques as observation and measurement of masturbation and sexual intercourse as it took place in the laboratory.
This produced physiological data, but it also enabled them to present both sexual behavior and sexual dysfunction, including premature ejaculation, in a way that emphasized the fact that it was both a healthy and a natural part of human existence, and formed an essential part of the pleasure and intimacy of sexual relationships.
In this framework, it seems completely natural they would have undertaken the investigation of sexual dysfunctions like premature ejaculation, since this can be extremely disruptive to both the sexual aspects of a relationship, and to the relationship in a wider setting, outside the bedroom, as were.
It’s also clear that the observational work which they carried out would have been extremely useful in helping to define premature ejaculation, although in retrospect we can see that their definition was certainly framed within the limitations of thinking at the time. More exactly, the belief that most women could reach orgasm during sexual intercourse as a result of the man’s thrusting alone appears to have framed their thinking around the definition of premature ejaculation.
They defined premature ejaculation as a man’s inability to delay ejaculation for long enough so that the woman could achieve orgasm during intercourse 50% of the time.
The presumption that a woman could reach orgasm during intercourse as a matter of routine underlies this definition, and seriously weakens it. What we can say with certainty is that a number of women could reach orgasm if their man could delay ejaculation and continue thrusting vigorously for long enough, although it’s necessary for a woman to be highly aroused before intercourse starts, and for her to be very familiar with the process of reaching orgasm through vaginal stimulation, for this to happen.
How should parents help a boy become sexually confident?
Helping a boy become sexually confident involves open communication, education, and support. It’s important for parents to approach this topic with care and sensitivity, ensuring that the child feels safe and respected. Here are some steps parents can consider:
Age-appropriate education: Start teaching children about their bodies, boundaries, and consent from a young age. Use simple language and gradually provide more information as they grow.
Open and non-judgmental communication: Create an environment where your child feels comfortable discussing their feelings, questions, and concerns related to sexuality. Be a good listener and avoid reacting negatively to their questions or statements.
Provide accurate information: Offer accurate and age-appropriate information about sexual health, puberty, contraception, and relationships. Use reliable sources and answer questions honestly.
Teach boundaries and consent: Discuss the importance of respecting boundaries and obtaining clear consent in any sexual situation. Teach your child that they have the right to say no and that they should respect others’ boundaries as well.
Positive body image: Help your child develop a positive body image and self-esteem. Encourage them to understand that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that there is no single “ideal” body type.
Discuss safe sex and contraception: As your child gets older, provide information about safe sex practices and contraception. Make sure they understand the importance of protecting themselves and their partners from unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.
Encourage self-respect and self-awareness: Teach your child to respect themselves and make informed choices when it comes to their own sexual activity. Help them understand their own desires and boundaries.
Promote healthy relationships: Emphasize the importance of healthy, respectful, and consensual relationships. Teach your child to recognize signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
Stay informed: Keep yourself informed about current sexual health topics, as information and attitudes about sexuality can change over time. Be prepared to answer questions or provide guidance as needed.
Be non-judgmental: Avoid passing judgment or shaming your child for their thoughts, feelings, or questions about sexuality. Instead, provide understanding and support.
Remember that each child is unique, and their development and comfort level with these discussions will vary. Be patient, and let your child take the lead in terms of when they’re ready to engage in these conversations. It’s also a good idea to consult with professionals, such as doctors or therapists, if you have specific concerns or need additional guidance.
Does adult sexual self confidence depend on the parents talking openly about sexuality during childhood and adolescence?
The extent to which adult sexual self-confidence depends on parents talking openly about sexuality can vary widely from person to person. Open and supportive communication about sexuality with parents can have a positive impact on a child’s development, self-esteem, and understanding of healthy sexual relationships. Here are some ways in which parental communication can influence an individual’s sexual self-confidence:
Knowledge and Education: Parents who provide accurate and age-appropriate information about sexual health, relationships, and consent can empower their children with knowledge. This knowledge can contribute to a person’s sexual self-confidence as they grow and navigate sexual experiences.
Reducing Shame and Stigma: Open discussions about sexuality can help reduce shame and stigma associated with sex. When parents create an environment where their children feel comfortable asking questions and seeking guidance, it can positively affect a person’s self-confidence by normalizing discussions about sexuality.
Communication Skills: Learning to communicate openly about one’s own desires, boundaries, and needs is an essential aspect of sexual self-confidence. Parents who model effective communication in their relationships and provide guidance on expressing oneself can help their children build these skills.
Emotional Support: Feeling that parents are there to provide emotional support and guidance can contribute to a child’s overall self-confidence. Knowing they have a safe and non-judgmental space to discuss sensitive issues can boost self-esteem.
However, it’s important to note that while open communication about sexuality can have a positive impact, it’s just one factor among many that influence adult sexual self-confidence. Other factors, such as peer influences, societal attitudes, and personal experiences, also play significant roles in shaping an individual’s sexual self-confidence.
Some individuals may not have had open discussions about sexuality with their parents but still develop a healthy and confident understanding of their own sexuality through other means, such as education, self-exploration, or guidance from other trusted sources.
Ultimately, sexual self-confidence is a complex and multifaceted aspect of an individual’s development, and it can be influenced by a wide range of factors. Open communication with parents can be a valuable component, but it is not the sole determinant of an individual’s sexual self-confidence.
Can talking about sex openly to children and adolescents have any adverse effects?
While open and age-appropriate discussions about sex with children and adolescents can have numerous benefits, it’s essential to be mindful of potential adverse effects and approach these conversations with care. Some potential adverse effects to consider include:
Discomfort and Embarrassment: Children and adolescents may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed when discussing sex with their parents. This discomfort can be natural and may make them less likely to engage in these conversations if they feel overwhelmed or pressured.
Misinformation and Confusion: Inaccurate or overly explicit information can lead to confusion. Parents should strive to provide accurate and age-appropriate information to avoid misconceptions.
Increased Anxiety: Conversations about sex can potentially induce anxiety, especially if children and adolescents feel pressured, judged, or unprepared. It’s crucial to create a supportive and non-judgmental environment to minimize anxiety.
Privacy and Boundaries: Some children and adolescents may feel that their privacy is invaded or that their boundaries are not respected if discussions about their sexual development are too intrusive. It’s essential to strike a balance between openness and respecting their boundaries.
Early Exposure to Adult Topics: Overly explicit or age-inappropriate information can lead to premature exposure to adult themes, which might not be developmentally suitable for children or adolescents.
Cultural and Religious Beliefs: Some families may have strong cultural or religious beliefs that affect how they approach discussions about sex. These conversations should be respectful of the family’s values and beliefs.
Peer Reactions: Children and adolescents might share information received from parents with their peers. This can lead to misunderstandings or potential teasing or bullying by peers who have different levels of sexual knowledge.
To minimize adverse effects and create a positive and constructive environment for discussions about sex, consider the following guidelines:
Age-Appropriate Information: Tailor discussions to the child’s or adolescent’s age, maturity, and level of understanding. Start with basic information and gradually introduce more complex topics as they mature.
Create a Safe and Judgment-Free Space: Ensure that children and adolescents feel safe and unjudged during these conversations. Encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings.
Listen Actively: Be a good listener and encourage your child to express their thoughts and concerns. This helps you understand their perspective and address any worries or misconceptions.
Respect Boundaries: Respect your child’s boundaries and privacy. Make it clear that they can choose the level of detail and participation in these conversations.
Use Age-Appropriate Resources: Consider using books, websites, or educational materials specifically designed for children and adolescents to supplement your discussions.
Avoid Overly Explicit Content: Provide information that is appropriate for their age and level of development, avoiding overly explicit or graphic content.
Maintain Cultural Sensitivity: Be mindful of cultural or religious beliefs that may influence the content and approach of these discussions.
Ultimately, the goal is to provide children and adolescents with the knowledge and support they need to make informed, healthy, and respectful choices regarding their sexual development, while also respecting their individual comfort levels and boundaries.
Conventionally, therapy for delayed ejaculation involves lots of discussion of “emotional issues”. You delve down into the emotional baggage of the past. This allows you to uncover the psychodynamic issues which lie at the root of issues like delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation.
Some people seem to think delayed ejaculation is caused by physical issues. But there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever to suggest this is true. In fact, the idea that delayed ejaculation is caused by an oversensitive penis has been disproved many times.
Doctors have used vibrator tests on the penis to check this. They show that if there are any effects are due to oversensitivity, it’s an oversensitivity of the nervous system. This may be something related to the “highly sensitive person” syndrome.
So if you accept that delayed ejaculation is in fact a psychological issue then it’s quite obvious that a psychological cure can be the way to deal with it. As I already mentioned, classically this would involve psychotherapy. And many men are reluctant to engage in the process of psychotherapy because of the expense and the embarrassment may ensue from revealing personal details about sex. That especially applies to you if you are a man who does not know how to maintain sexual pleasure in your relationship.
Something that many people have found effective for dealing with ejaculation problems is hypnosis. You can find many effective and powerful self hypnosis treatments on the Internet. These are available for download as MP3 recordings which you can put onto an iPlayer or MP3 player and use at your convenience.
In general treatments like this will require you to play recording at least once or possibly twice a day. You need to do this for several weeks before you can see an improvement.
However the comparative cheapness, and high level of effectiveness of these programs do make them highly desirable. Many men who want to improve their sexual performance have found them helpful.
Whether or not these programs get to the root of the psychodynamic issues which can lie behind delayed ejaculation is an open question. It’s much more likely that they overlay a new “program” in the subconscious over the old fear or anger based behavior.
This is the essence of techniques used by personal development therapists at seminars like Tony Robbins. In a state of high energy, a new behavior pattern can be laid down over the old one, supplanting it and taking its place, and bringing about changes in behavior.
There are other ways of “altering” a psychological “program” laid down in the subconscious, including the use of the alpha state of deep relaxation. This basically amounts to much the same thing as self hypnosis. Indeed, this is the state of mind in which you should listen to a self hypnosis tape.
It appears that the self hypnosis process can be just as effective in eliminating old patterns of behavior. The effectiveness matches that of “treatment” undertaken in a state of high energy in the kind of seminars that I referred to above.
Now, having said all that, the question is – how are you going to go about selecting a self hypnosis tape? Well, first of all you need one that helps you to visualize. This is especially true if you’re not practiced in the art of visualization.
Although people tend to think that visualization is a difficult skill, it certainly isn’t – it just requires practice.
Even so, I lose track of the number of people that I’ve met over the years who make a bold statement like “I can’t visualize.” The truth is that they haven’t practiced, or they don’t feel the motivation to do so.
Sometimes, I admit, they don’t have the techniques at their disposal. So a self hypnosis recording which can encourage visualization is a great start, So is one that can actually take you through a guided meditation.
In other words, you actually want to find one recorded specifically for the sake of delayed ejaculation. As you you use it, you engage with a state of relaxation in which your brain can be “reprogrammed”, subtly, slowly, and effectively.
Some will know that this is very similar to the techniques used in manifestation and visualization. I do want to say a few words about that in this post.
Whether or not there’s any mystical aspect to this process is another issue. You don’t have to assume that when the subconscious mind believes something to be true it goes about creating it in physical reality!
The reason for this is that the brain can’t tolerate cognitive dissonance. It can’t tolerate difference between the reality as perceived by the senses and the reality as recorded in the brain. When there is a difference it seeks to change the external world. In this case, this is basically your sexual performance. It changes it to a different physical reality so that mind and body are in line. That’s the essence of manifestation and visualization, so there’s no mystery about the process.
All in all therefore, mental techniques can be used to program the subconscious mind to expect a different outcome. This is true whether that’s in terms of prosperity, relationships, sexual performance, or indeed anything else.
Whether or not this works for you is actually going to be entirely up to the dedication with which you approach the technique. At the end of the day, nobody can make any changes to your sexual performance except yourself.
You do have to do commit to a certain amount of time to use these techniques. Whether using self hypnosis or visualization, you’re going to need to meditate for about 10 or 15 minutes twice a day.
This hardly seems like a huge investment of time. Whether or not you’re willing to make it shows how seriously you are approaching your delayed ejaculation or other sexual dysfunction.
If you’re highly motivated to cure the problem, this investment of time will seem very insignificant. It’s certainly true that the rewards in terms of an improved sexual life can outweigh the cost and investment of time you need to make.
I think it’s obvious that not many people know about delayed ejaculation – at least, not beyond those who experience it.
And that’s not surprising, because most people think of male sexual problems as a man consistently reaching orgasm too soon, i.e. premature ejaculation, or as a man experiencing erectile dysfunction.
And most people’s understanding doesn’t go far beyond those two, admittedly very troublesome, sexual dysfunctions.
Even more strange, men with a slow climax usually have a firm erection.
Looking like you’re ready for sex doesn’t always mean you are!
This seems odd because we’re all so accustomed to an erection meaning a man wants to make love, and he’s ready and willing to have intercourse with a partner to the point of climax. And that he will have no difficulty doing so.
So why would a man have an erection, keep an erection during intercourse, be able to make love, and not be able to come? Well, this book explains a great deal about the problem of delayed ejaculation. In fact with the help of this book (US version here), you may be able to solve the problem yourself!
Before we go any further it’s important to emphasize that delayed ejaculation isn’t so unusual. About one man in 12 experiences some degree of difficulty reaching climax at any one point in time.
And the problem takes different forms, too: some men can have an orgasm but don’t ejaculate. Some men come with no feeling. And, as we all know, a climax doesn’t always feel the same.
But for these problems to be accurately described as delayed ejaculation, we’re looking at a situation where a man can make love for prolonged periods of time but doesn’t actually come while doing so.
Perhaps one of the things that can help us understand this “dysfunction” – an unpleasant term for a surprisingly common condition! – is knowing a little bit more about the orgasmic reflex in men.
You may or may not know about this, so I’ll keep it simple. Male sexual response is a two-stage process, the first part of which is known as emission.
That’s the movement of semen from the seminal vesicles into the base of the urethra. It triggers the expulsion of semen from the penis by means of strong muscular contractions in the pubococcygeus muscles and the other muscles around the base of the urethra.
So you can understand that the lack of any release of semen could be due to a failure of either part of the ejaculatory reflex. Now, some of the causes of that failure are very obvious: some men with diabetes, for example, have neural degeneration which inhibits the reflex responses of the nervous system necessary for the completion of the sexual act.
Some men who are taking SSRI drugs designed to treat depression may find that they are no longer able to bring intercourse to its natural conclusion. These inhibit the ejaculatory response. There are many other substances which can do this as well.
But if that, or degeneration of the nerve cells, or alcohol, or other similar factors are not at work, then what might be causing delayed ejaculation?
Well, unfortunately for a lot of men, who don’t like to examine their emotional experiences, the answer to that question has to be – yes, you guessed it – emotional factors.
A lot of men prefer to think of any condition or illness as being caused by physical problems rather than emotional ones, just because they find physical issues a lot easier to deal with.
Regrettably, however, in the case of delayed ejaculation it’s the emotional factors which are often more important.
I have met a lot of men who think that emotional factors couldn’t possibly inhibit ejaculation. I mean, it seems so unlikely. Could the mind really be able to inhibit something so powerful as the male urge to ejaculate? Could that really be possible?
Yes, it certainly could, and if you think about the way emotional factors can cause a loss of erection, this might become easier to understand.
A common observation about male sexuality is that a man’s penis springs into life at the slightest hint of getting into bed with a partner – and this is no less a powerful response than the urge to achieve orgasm and climax.
But it’s also true that an erection can disappear in an instant, due to anxiety, anger, or downright fear. I think most people would probably find that quite understandable, even natural.
So is it much of a stretch, then, to believe that a similar process might be at work with retarded ejaculation?
The reality is that “the penis never lies”: it’s an old saying which basically means that whatever your hidden feelings around, say, your body, or your partner, is going to show you the truth, no matter how much you might want to hide it from yourself.
So for an adolescent boy who is pressurized by his peers’ expectations into making love with his girlfriend, the loss of erection indicates very clearly his real feelings on the matter: he is very scared about doing it, or he simply doesn’t want to do it.
With an adult man who experiences difficulty in ejaculating during intercourse, the presence of an erection may, for example, indicate a willingness to please his partner, but the absence of orgasm may indicate a deeper truth: he simply doesn’t want to be with that partner.
I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of men reading this, men who have difficulty reaching climax during intercourse – maybe even masturbation – were shaking their heads in disbelief.
Even virile men can experience delayed ejaculation
And I totally understand that response. The idea seems, well, shall we say, “hard to believe”, at the very least.
Unfortunately for you, perhaps, there is a lot of evidence to support this viewpoint.
But Are Difficulties With Ejaculation Always Emotionally Based?
Before we go on, I’d like to draw your attention to one significant cause of delayed ejaculation which does not appear to be emotional.
That is Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome. This is a grand name for a situation where a boy has learned to masturbate using excessive stimulation to his penis. This could involve very intense pressure, or fast hand movements. It could even involve thrusting against the mattress.
You can see quite easily that if the boy’s learned to stimulate himself in this way, it’s obvious that his penis is rarely going to get the same level of stimulation during lovemaking with a partner. I mean, women are often very sensitive about hurting their men and tend to treat the penis very delicately. Men do not. Or at least some men do not – and we need to observe this, understand it, and explain it.
And oral and vaginal stimulation during lovemaking certainly don’t offer the kind of pressure and intensity that this sort of masturbation does.
So it’s obvious that a lot of men have conditioned their bodies to respond only in a certain way to a certain type of stimulation, and the very fact that they can’t get that stimulation during intercourse means they can’t reach orgasm.
Well, I’m going to offer some suggestions for men in this situation later on (you’ll see them in the post above this one).
But in my opinion a lot of delayed ejaculation is caused by emotional issues, and it’s these I would like to look at first.
Even though the actual act of sexual stimulation, orgasm and ejaculation is a reflex response in the body, intimate sensual arousal is very definitely a mental and emotional process. But that’s not the whole truth.
Oddly enough it’s also a physical process – in that the stimulation that finally triggers the reflex of orgasm is physical stimulation to the penis.
And, as you probably know very well, you have to reach a certain level of arousal before this will happen.
Now, it is critical to understanding delayed ejaculation to know that a man can have an erection and still not be aroused. I think a lot of men probably know this anyway, because it’s not uncommon for a man to develop an erection and yet subjectively understand that he doesn’t feel aroused.
This seems to be a key for thing among many men who have difficulty reaching climax during intercourse. They have an erection, but they are not aroused.
That could also be one part of a complex of reasons why it is sometimes necessary for a man to give himself such intense, hard and fast stimulation before he ejaculates.
Another key to understanding these difficulties is that guys who aren’t able to come easily seem to be highly motivated to give their partner an orgasm. In fact, often these men (and you may be one of them) are very conscientious lovers. Regrettably, however, they very often have no idea how to satisfy themselves during intercourse.
All of the work they do during the intimacy of sex is about pleasing their partner.
And while it’s certainly possible to imagine that that could be satisfying for a man, it’s much easier to see this urge, this compulsion, as a cause of resentment and anger. Interestingly, it’s often associated with certain clear characteristics such as passivity on the part of the female partner.
Video – psychological causes of delayed ejaculation
Delayed ejaculation – the inability to ejaculate during intercourse
There’s a key concept which appears to confuse many men and their sexual partners about delayed ejaculation. And that is that even though orgasm and ejaculation are generally thought to be one and the same thing, they are, in fact, two different reactions.
The pleasurable feeling of orgasm is a mental event, which happens purely inside your head. Ejaculation, on the other hand, is a highly pleasurable physical reaction that is triggered by sufficient stimulation to the penis and other pleasure points elsewhere in the body. Unfortunately men with delayed ejaculation may experience neither orgasm nor ejaculation. (Orgasm without ejaculation is a completely different condition, often caused by physical problems inside the genito-urinary system.)
Video on delayed ejaculation
When erotic pleasure gets to a near-climactic point, the flow of semen near the farthest point of the the urethra builds up the pressure at the root of the penis. This in turn triggers a whole series of physical responses which includes movement of the pubococcygeal muscle.
Ejaculation is governed by the autonomic nervous system, while sexual arousal is confined to the voluntary nervous system.
Delayed ejaculation is not a “new” problem. It’s been around for ages, is also known as ejaculatory incompetence, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and male orgasmic disorder. Those names probably represent an increasingly humane and sympathetic attitude from the medical profession, an attitude which has developed over time. But for our times, “delayed ejaculation” is a clear term which describes exactly what this condition is all about.
Compassion and humanity are very much required in working with the men whose sex lives are impacted by their difficulty ejaculating during sex. These men may be very confused and bewildered by their failure to ejaculate during intercourse.
Delayed ejaculation treatment has evolved over time
As you may know, many men with delayed ejaculation are able to ejaculate more or less easily when they are pleasuring themselves (aka masturbating). This fact has led many scientists to suggest that relationship issues might be a big part of delayed ejaculation.
However, it’s wise to be cautious about this: the dynamics of the relationship between a man and his partner are complex and difficult to relate to physically based sexual problems.
Even so, a man’s inability to ejaculate during fellatio, intercourse, or direct manual stimulation by a partner is a pretty clear sign that he has developed delayed ejaculation. These might indicate that he is not developing a level of sexual arousal high enough to allow him to reach orgasm. And they might also mean that he receives more pleasure from masturbation than from sex. Enough pleasure to allow him to reach orgasm.
Of course, any man can condition his own body to react to higher levels of stimulation during masturbation. For example, a man is able to apply hard, firm, or high-frequency stimulation during self pleasuring, in a manner that is not simulated during penetrative sex with a partner. The consequence of such stimulation has been called traumatic masturbatory syndrome.
And if this is the crux of the problem, the cure for delayed ejaculation will be in the form of somehow retraining his penis to respond to a slightly different style of stimulation that can eventually bring about a climax during intercourse.
Video – traumatic masturbatory syndrome
Relationship difficulties and delayed ejaculation
However, relationship difficulties can cause a loss of intimacy and a decrease in desire. A slowly rising attitude of hostility may degrade intimacy to the point where a man no longer enjoys intercourse. He may be unable to speak about this to his partner, or start a rational dialogue to resolve their problems.
And even if there isn’t an emotional or psychological cause, such as resentment, anger, or any other adverse feelings on the part of the man towards his partner, there may well be a particular type of personality which is prone to delayed ejaculation. (Click on the cover image below to see a book on delayed ejaculation.)
According to the most current research journals, this individual type is quite likely a person who is somehow detached during sexual activity. He may be unaware of how aroused he is during sexual activity. He may think of sex as an obligation that he needs to perform, and whish he resents. He may see himself as responsible for his female partner’s pleasure. He may be convinced that the woman’s pleasure must come first and is the the most important part of sex.
These men generally, whether intentionally or not, see themselves as the “workhorse of sex”, thrusting rhythmically and energetically to steer intercourse to a successful climax (for the woman).
An important observation here is that many of the female partners of men in this situation tend to be disinterested about sex. They may have a a tacit understanding that their man is somehow responsible for their sexual pleasure. (Of course, in reality, everyone is responsible for their own pleasure.)
In instances like this, it’s helpful to re-educate the sexual partners and coach them in such a way that their ideas and attitudes about sex and sexual pleasure can be steered closer to reality.
Also, some men with this type of personality profile generally lack an awareness of their personal level of sexual pleasure. Often there seems to be a certain disconnect, or even a void, in their sexual maturity. They may have come to associate their internal sexual arousal with simply having sex with a partner.
What can be gleaned from all this? It seems these men are in a frustrating state of sexual confusion. They are attempting to engage in sex without all the emotional and physiological sensory awareness necessary for sex to be a pleasurable and mutually satisfying experience.
The first step in treatment if you see a sex therapist is likely to involve some kind of assessment of when you can actually achieve orgasm in sex. And here a number of typical questions that you might like to think about… questions that are relevant for the therapist and client alike!
Does the man experience performance pressure right from the start of intercourse or does it begin later on?
To what degree does the man feel himself to be “spectatoring”, that is to say detached from the sexual process in which he is engaged with his partner, and to what degree does he feel himself fully involved from moment to moment?
Does the man have sexual fantasies, and does he accept them without guilt or shame?
Does the man focus on satisfying his sexual partner, or is he also aware of his own needs and does he set out to have them fulfilled?
Does the man believed that his partner is interested in sex with him, or that she is just tolerating it?
Does the man feel any anxiety or apprehension around the prospect of orgasm and ejaculation (especially intravaginally), or alternatively with the loss of control that he may feel if he ejaculates?
And finally – how does the man with DE masturbate? Does he use internal erotic imagery or sexual fantasies and accept these easily or try to repress them?
Now, these questions are designed to address the issues that a man seeking a cure for delayed ejaculation may face during sex. There are, of course, deeper issues which can be examined – such as feelings of anger or hostility towards the man’s partner – but such psychodynamic issues generally emerge as therapy continues.
A woman says that she’s decided to look at the thread in the social forum so she can better understand her partner who’s experiencing anxiety around his delayed ejaculation (DE) and sexual issues (he can’t climax during intercourse).
She says that this forum’s thread has certainly helped to understand how it must be from the man’s perspective.
And then she comments about the female perspective:
She says she gets concerned when she sees him upset, she feels she should be doing something different to help, and then she claims that his defenses are pushing her away.
As a result, she feels unwanted.
One thing she’s discovered that helps is communicating her love by discussing all the good times they’ve had together and what they really love about what about one another.
And of course that’s all about good communication – which is always essential for solving difficulties of any kind in a relationship..
There follows quite a lot of discussion about feelings, and how one guy cried during a CBT session, and so on and so on — all of which suggests that good therapy is very helpful.
Video On Delays In Male Climax
The original contributor buys a fleshlight at this point while his girlfriend’s away for a few weeks, and he finds that he can climax with it while thrusting, and even with a condom on: it’s far softer in terms of stimulation than his hand, so he thinks he’s making big progress.
At this point another new contributor enters the debate.
This guy’s problems are slightly different: he’s 26, has delayed ejaculation – he’s been married a year, but been with her for 10 years, although they never had sex in the nine years before marriage!
He makes the observation that he’s masturbated every day since he was 12, in fact several times a day. He had a strange technique of rubbing the glans, because he had a non-retractable foreskin.
Once the phimosis was solved he found he could come normally with masturbation, but he still couldn’t ejaculate inside his wife. So he has delayed ejaculation, and even though 3 to 4 hour-long sessions of sex at the start of their marriage were fantastic, he now knows he’s got a problem.
Each day he feels “lower and lower” because he can’t enjoy the one thing he loves a lot!
All these guys are talking about how they are a real “bag of emotions”, how they all need to relax, need to sort their heads out, and so on – but somehow it doesn’t happen… There’s so much theoretical discussion going on, and there isn’t much engagement with the issues behind the real-life sexual problem of delayed ejaculation.
One guy makes the observation that ditching condoms helped him, and that is making a huge difference to his feeling — and he also advises other men to slow down the strokes, really feel what it’s like to be inside her, stop pumping like a rabbit, and take long slow deep strokes.
That’s all great advice and the common factor at work there is that the guys who do that are experiencing much more feeling than the guys who just take sex as a kind of task or challenge or problem to be completed.
Our original poster responds by saying that he thinks his brain has been been wired wrong by a combination of anxiety and excess porn use. But sadly, he’s now using porn in a vicious cycle to relax himself!
Video – porn and difficulties ejaculating
Another telling point: he can masturbate to orgasm now in two minutes on his own, but on cam with his partner watching it takes 8 to 20 minutes.
So yes, there is a mental factor at work when it comes to real sex – and what might that factor be? Anxiety, of course.
And at this point a guy chips in by saying that he’s read the whole thread on delayed ejaculation and he found a post which nobody responded to: this was from a guy who said that his problem was due to his strict religious/puritanical background.
He felt that masturbation was very dirty because of his upbringing, and so even if he did masturbate, he stopped before he reached orgasm. Now, at the age of 24 he’s never ejaculated in his life – and he also says he doesn’t know whether or not this is because of this habit or because he’s just a control freak.
And guess what? He was also a victim of sexual abuse. So there are many negative associations with sex: shame, guilt, abuse, anxiety.
When he did have sex with women, or try to, he found that he couldn’t come, because of his anxiety about “getting a disease” or “getting them pregnant”.
He also says he delays getting into a relationship because of the frustration that he sees coming ahead. And of course it’s equally likely that he’s avoiding getting into a relationship because he’d just be too anxious to do so.
And when another guy comes into the debate with a plea for help, our original poster makes the observation that it’s taken him 10 years “to get motivated to do what’s needed … I’m not going to lie, a lot depends on how much you want to help yourself”.
Another interesting and very relevant contribution:
“Many of the men tend to have had a strict upbringing and are very controlled in their lives. Some have terrific drive and detachment, and have risen to the top of their professions. A surprising number have been in the finance industry. Some of them readily admit to having quite controlling personalities. Very often this is directed inward rather than at other people. They may have difficulty in showing emotions and in ‘letting go’. Other possible factors include fear of causing pregnancy, fear that the vagina is dirty, over-strict religious upbringing and latent homosexuality.”
And yet another from a different character: “I have a strong hunch that what’s behind my problem is feeling vulnerable about being hurt by the woman somehow.”
Anxiety about connecting deeply with a woman, or revealing one’s vulnerability, can have just as dramatic effect on a man’s sexual performance – except in this case of course it makes him ejaculate really quickly. So to hear somebody with delayed ejaculation saying that he thinks his problem is about his deep feelings towards women is a refreshing change.
What’s interesting, too, is that he says even when his woman’s had a number of orgasms and he hasn’t had one, he then begins to think that she might not care how he feels.
So that definitely indicates a lack of trust towards women. He simply doesn’t feel accepted by women.
In situations like this it’s so easy hard to conclude that the classic psychotherapeutic explanation of delayed ejaculation has all the truth in it: the somehow men are withholding their orgasm/ejaculation/semen to punish women for the emotional wounding that they’ve inflicted on the man concerned.
When you understand the origins of your sexual problems, you can change the beliefs which lied behind your difficulties. And then, than heavens, you can train your body to respond to physical arousal, rather than mental arousal such as fantasy or the anticipation of sex, you can enjoy a much more reliable sexual response to stimulation and become fully potent again.
Sounds easy? Well, the amazing thing is that it can be – and even those cases of erectile dysfunction which have been written off by the medical profession as physically based can respond well to this approach.
Erectile dysfunction
You do not need to put up with impotence – there is an effective cure for the majority of men who suffer from loss of erection during sex.
Good communication is part of your way to help solve erection problems and cure your erectile dysfunction
I mentioned earlier that good communication is vital to intimacy, a good relationship, and most of all a good sex life. If you’re having trouble communicating about intimate matters with your partner, and you have erection problems, this could be part of the problem.
Video: You need to talk about sex.
For one thing, words are less susceptible to misunderstanding than other forms of expression, like touch, or facial expressions. But talking about sex goes beyond this: it strengthens the bond between a couple and it makes for intimacy and a relaxed attitude to sex. It reduces anxiety and it provides reassurance that your needs and wishes will be fulfilled. If you have a problem with your erections, it becomes even more important to talk about sex.
Unfortunately men often think that talking about their feelings is feminine, and a real man should be the strong, silent type. Men may not even know what they want from their partner sexually, and therefore be even further away from being able to express it.
And of course you may think that if you express what you secretly desire she will judge you for it. But the truth is this: as far as sex goes, anything and everything can be incorporated in a couple’s sex life without shame, provided that both agree and there is no coercion by one partner to get the other to agree to something they don’t like.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because you see what you want as somehow “wrong” for a man it is ether a bad idea to ask for it or impossible to get it. Your partner will probably be delighted to explore it with you – whatever “it” may be.
And it’s always enjoyable to find out if you like something or not. In short there’s nothing unmanly about asking for what you want, no matter how off-beat it may seem to you. Communication is even more important when it comes to sexual problems like erection problems.
Furthermore, there’s no harm in telling your partner that she’s doing something you don’t like. If she touches you in a way you don’t like, or sucks your cock when you don’t want her to, for heaven’s sake tell her. The same goes for anything else that happens between you in your sex life! This kind of communication is essential to sex, erection problems and erectile dysfunction in particular.
You may be laboring under the illusion that a woman should know exactly what you want and be able to provide it for you, even when you don’t communicate it directly. The reality is that she will never know exactly what you want – and in any case it is your responsibility to tell her.You certainly can’t blame her for your erection problem if you’ve never communicated your wishes, needs and desires to her. Nor, indeed if you have never examined the archetypal shadows with you that may be causing the problem.
There are many examples that would serve to show how inhibited a couple can be about their sexual needs, even when they have spent years having sex. For example – do you know if your partner masturbates, and how often? Why not check it out with her?
Needless to say, it’s just as important that a woman communicates her wishes and needs to you, especially if you’re not very sexually experienced. But you can help that process by talking to her, by asking her what she wants. This is just another example of how good communication is essential for helping a couple to solve sexual problems including erectile dysfunction.
There’s another compelling reason to engage in a healthy dialogue about sex with your partner. If you never talk to each other about sex, you are likely to spend a lot of time fantasizing and worrying about what is going on for her, whether you are satisfying her, what you should be doing, and so on. This energy takes you away from being in the moment, and just “doing it”. Being in the moment solves all kinds of problems for you both.
Points to check:
Do you know enough about female sexual anatomy?
Does she know enough about your sexual anatomy?
Have you spent time looking at each other’s sex organs?
Are you willing to spend time looking at your partner’s sex organs in a non-sexual way, as if you were doing a medical examination? Are you willing to ask her to show them to you? If not, why not?
Is she embarrassed about the idea of you discussing your erection, how you feel about your erection problems, and how she feels about the lack of your hard penis, able to penetrate her? If so, is she relaxed about sex, or does she have an up-tight attitude contributing to your sexual issues?
Has she tries to make you erect with oral sex? Has she asked you if this would help you to become more aroused and work towards solving your erection problems?
Have you explored your partner’s vagina with a finger, found her G spot, tasted her vaginal juices, and breathed deeply of her intimate scents? (Has she tasted her own finger after she’s had it inside her vagina?) Does this make you more or less aroused? Does it help your erection or not?
Has she explained to you the difference between stimulating her clitoris and her vagina, and how this feels to her?
Asking for what you want as a first step to solving erection problems
Why not try something simple which will help you communicate your desires and wishes to your partner?
Take a piece of paper each and tear it into five pieces. Write on each piece one thing that you would like your partner to do for you, then place them all in a hat and draw one out in turn each time you have sex. The partner who has made the request can then have his or her wishes fulfilled by the other one. This is not only a great way to say what you want but a good way to get talking about your sexual desires and wishes.
As a development of this, you can agree to make a request of each other every time you have sex, alternately, first one partner and then the other. In this way you will develop greater ease and comfort when making your sexual wishes clear and when talking about sex. All of this easier communication can only help to make things more relaxed and more intimate, an produce an environment in which you are much more likely to be able to solve your erectile problems.
What exactly is an erection problem (also known as erectile dysfunction) – and what causes it?
Certainly, and most obviously, something which stops you from giving your partner sexual satisfaction, and stops you from enjoying sex. Some sex therapists have claimed that if a man’s erection is not firm enough to allow penetration, then a man has erectile dysfunction – or, in common language, an erection problem.
But this definition doesn’t take account of the fact that many men occasionally have erection problems – when they are tired, stressed, or not attracted to their partner, for example. Perhaps a better definition is that a man has erectile dysfunction when he cannot reliably get an erection firm enough for penetration more than 50% of the times he and his partner wish to make love.
The American Psychiatric Association’s definition of sexual disorders emphasizes the fact that erectile dysfunction is characterized by the regular or repeated inability to obtain or maintain an erection. So does the definition of erection problems depend on whether a man can get an erection all the time, half the time, or some other percentage? And what degree of stiffness is his penis required to display before he has a problem?
Furthermore, what if there are emotional factors at work here? What if, for example, the psychology of loving is affecting a man’s ability to get an erection – for example, if he simply does not feel attracted to his partner? This could be a manifestation of the lover archetype. And if he was subject to a high level of fear arising during sex, then one might argue that his magician archetype was over active. If you’re interested in how the archetypal concept can influence our actions, thoughts and feelings, try this website where you can get more information.
There’s no clear answer to many of these questions, but they do serve to put into context the fact that a man might not think he has a problem if both he and his partner are happy with the way their sex life works out, regardless of whether he has an erection or not.
But suppose, in contrast, that a couple want penetrative sex every time they make love, and a man has an erection than is 50% rigid on 50% of the occasions he and his partner want sex. Does he have an erection problem? Maybe yes, maybe no. This emphasizes the element of subjectivity in the definition.
The rate of erectile dysfunction has not changed significantly since the first comprehensive study done by Alfred Kinsey in 1958, when about 10% of men were found to have a problem with their erections. In a more recent study, there was a significant correlation between age and the scores for erectile function, orgasmic function, sexual desire and intercourse satisfaction.
The prevalence of moderate and severe cases of ED were 1.8% and 0% respectively for men aged 23–29; 2.6% and 0% for men aged 30–39; 7.6% and 1.0% for men aged 40–49; 14.0% and 6.0% for men aged 50–59; 25.9% and 15.9% for men aged 60–69; and 27.9% and 36.4% for men aged 70–79 years. (Ken Marumo, Jun Nakashima, Masaru Murai (2001) Age-related prevalence of erectile dysfunction in Japan: Assessment by the International Index of Erectile Function International Journal of Urology 8 (2), 53–59. Not much has changed between 1958 and 2001!
You can read about the physical causes of erectile dysfunction here. As I inferred above, however, ED is not simply an issue of the body. There is a very significant emotional and mental influence on sexual dysfunction in men (just as there is in women). These mental influences have, perhaps, been insufficiently studied in the past.
Obviously the prevalence of erection problems gets older as men age physically. One exception are problems that are due to performance anxiety among younger men, whose erection difficulties tend to be more transient and short-lived, being caused by sexual and personal circumstances (i.e. over-excitement, anxiety about the partner, fear of discovery, and so on) rather than health or medical issues such as age-related diabetes or circulation problems.
Erectile Dysfunction and Heart Disease
This kind of erection failure is rather simple to explain: it is an anxiety-based response. Anxiety can effectively turn off the sexual response in young men because it is a product of the activity of the sympathetic nervous system, which opposes the sexual responses controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system.
In effect, therefore, one can say that over-arousal is the cause of many young men’s erection problems, though this refers more to emotional arousal than sexual arousal. Paradoxically, over-arousal can also cause premature ejaculation: the essence of both problems is that a man’s normal sexual response has been over-ridden by his anxiety.
We discussed the effect of an over-sensitive penis in the debate on premature ejaculation. Can it also be a factor in erectile dysfunction? But first of all we need to define what we mean by an over-sensitive penis: in reality, of course, there is no such thing. It is a short hand term for a penis which sends nerve impulses to a man whose brain is already over-excited, too sexually aroused.
As with premature ejaculation, corrective action requires some reduction in the sensitivity of the nervous system so that it can take more stimulation with no disruption of a man’s sexual circuitry!
The irony here is that anxiety – fear, worry, call it what you will – about losing your erection actually stimulates a man’s level of nervous system activity so that he is actually somewhat more likely to lose it!
This means that relaxation, or at least a methodology that can help to reduce one’s nervous and emotional arousal during sex, may be part of the answer. Obviously relaxation and hypnosis may be of help here; so is the experience which comes with age and having had a number of lovers.
Young men of course tend to be very aroused, and may in addition both fear discovery (especially in societies where pre-marital sex is frowned upon) and pregnancy. All of this can stimulate their nervous systems so that they are more likely to be sensitive to any suggestion by their lover that strikes at their sexual confidence: and makes them lose their erection. Fear and sex do not mix well!
A man who loses his erection may find that this happens instantly during sex: he cannot reduce his anxiety enough to reduce the stimulation he’s receiving to a point where he no longer feels so aroused that he loses control of his sexual responses.
Erection Problems: Physical or Emotional?
One of the fundamental questions that occurs to many men and their partners who’ve suffered a loss of erection is exactly what the lack of erection means. This issue associated and others with erection problems are explained here in a new book.
One reason for this is that it is possible to confuse the loss of an erection with the loss of interest in sex: women in particular seem to make this error and can take impotence very personally.
So, if you’re a man who does not have an erection in a sexual situation, it’s important to be aware that your partner may well think that you are not turned on by her, and it’s also possible that she thinks she doesn’t know what to do to turn you on.
And of course it is possible that this is true: it’s possible that a man simply isn’t aroused by his partner at that particular moment, or that she’s not doing what he’d like to get him aroused.
However, it’s also true that the majority of the time the lack of an erection, or the loss of an erection, in a sexual encounter, means something completely different.
So, for example, say a man is sexually aroused, and wants to have sex. Then he finds that his penis doesn’t respond. This is incredibly frustrating situation for most men, and often for their partners, but there is always an explanation….there is clearly some obstacle preventing sexual arousal from translating into a hard erection suitable for intercourse.
In many cases, the problem will be very simple, and perhaps very obvious. It’s possible, as you may know if this has happened to you, that you require a certain type of sexual stimulation to become sexually aroused and to get hard, and you’re simply not getting it.
Maybe this is because you have a new partner who doesn’t know what you need, or maybe she’s simply forgotten, or maybe she’s acting out some emotion of her own and simply doesn’t want to supply the stimulation you need to get an erection.
Another possibility is that you’ve had so much sex in the last day or so that your penis simply unable to become erect again so soon. Unfortunately, the problem is usually something else.
You see, the thing is, an erection requires a lot of things to go right in side the body, and a lot of co-ordination. Both the nervous system and the blood circulatory system have to be capable of responding in the correct way, and then to do it, which requires sexual arousal and a certain emotional state: if your emotions are not right, they can certainly impede the process of getting an erection.
But of all these issues, it’s circulation which is probably most important for good erections. Anything, be it physical or emotional, that stops enough blood getting to the penis can cause erection problems.
As I’ve already said, anything that interferes with enough blood arriving at the penis, or stops it being kept in the penis, or anything that interferes with the ability of the nervous system to control your circulation can cause erection problems. Now, you may be asking what medical conditions could cause this.
The answer is there are several: they include hormonal problems, often due to age-related testosterone decline, the onset of diabetes, heart disease and circulatory problems such as blocked arteries, multiple sclerosis, and certain injuries to the spinal cord and some back problems, as well as injuries and surgery to the pelvis, caused perhaps by prostate surgery. Other culprits are long-term cigarette smoking and alcoholism.
However it’s extremely important to be aware that erection problems are not necessarily caused by hardening of the arteries or any of the other conditions mentioned above, even if you happen to have those conditions. The truth is, in many cases, erection loss is caused by anxiety and other emotions – and of course, having said that, it’s always important to determine what’s actually happening inside the body, just in case there are some real problems developing.
Your penis can be affected by anything that you absorb into your body, such as drugs for depression, and drugs for anxiety, and sometimes drugs prescribed for high blood pressure. The same is true of drugs for many other conditions as well as so-called recreational drugs.
All these products can affect your ability to get an erection. So perhaps the first thing to check is the list of drugs that can adversely affect sexual functioning. You can find this here.
However, your ability to get and maintain an erection is influenced, as I’ve already said, by your emotions, and in particular, by what’s happening within your relationship. If you’re anxious about getting or maintaining an erection, it’s highly likely that you will in fact have some kind of erection problem – perhaps even being unable to get an erection to start with.
Other emotions definitely play a part in erection problems as well. For example anger, regardless of who you’re feeling angry at, can certainly block your ability to get an erection. So, interestingly enough, can the absence of feeling, which in the case of sex roughly equates to a lack of arousal.
The powerful experience of falling in love is something that each and every one of us wants to do during our lives.
A friend said to me, years ago, something to the effect that if we’re not in a relationship we’re all looking for one, and if we are in a relationship we’re all looking to make it better.
At the time I didn’t really understand this, because I think at the time I was in a place of great difficulty in establishing relationships, but over the years I’ve come to see what he said is true. This is because the Lover Archetypal energy in us is programmed to connect with others from the day we are born to the day we die…. but it is also the archetype which can be most easily wounded, so that our ability to express love cleanly and clearly is very fragile.
The essence of a good relationship is being able to empathise and connect with your partner in a way that makes them open up to you so there is an experience of shared intimacy. However, for men and women the energies in building a relationship may be different. The Lover in women wants to connect – as does the Lover in men – but the primary attraction in men to the Lover in women may be a man’s Magician energy. (Read about the Magician energy, the Magician archetype, here.)
That shared intimacy is undoubtedly a development of the intimacy that develops (automatically) between child and mother (and father) when the baby is born. Indeed, this is the primal model for all our later relationships, and it’s the primal model for falling in love which we take through life. Let me explain.
When a baby is born, she or he is entirely dependent on mother for food, for well-being, and indeed for its very survival, so the baby makes every effort to make the mother bond with it, to make the mother fall in love with it.
It does this by smiling, by gurgling, by enjoying sensual touch, and by mirroring its mother’s (and of course its father’s) emotions. There’s a program in the human brain which enables this behaviour of lovers – deeply looking into each other’s eyes and enjoying sensual sharing enables a baby to fall in love with its mother – and vice versa. (You can read about the development of these responses in this book, which is all about shadow, human development, and the archetypal model [King Warrior Magicain and Lover ] of personality.)
Early boding with parents sets the tone for love later in life
When a baby falls in love with its mother, its mother falls in love with the baby, and the baby’s survival is assured. But sadly, we all know there are many babies born into the world which are not wanted – their experience after birth is negative – they don’t bond with their mother, their mother doesn’t bond with them, and their model of intimacy is forever affected thereafter.
In fact, if a baby has not bonded with its mother satisfactorily, it will pick up the message that it’s not lovable, or that it’s incapable of loving, and will carry that message through the rest of its life into adulthood.
As you may well imagine, a baby in this position is going to experience great difficulty in forming intimate relationships as an adult.
Indeed, she or he may avoid the pain of adult relationships because the experience it had as a child was so painful.
There’s a deep wound to what we call the lover archetype, the part of the individual that holds the loving and sexual energy so necessary for connection with another human being.
In the situation where somebody has a deeper or lesser wound to the lover archetype, their ability to form a relationship with another adult, at least a relationship of strength and equality, will be impacted.
There are ways to overcome this of course in adulthood and there are many therapists and therapies available to deal with these problems.
The point I’m making is not so much that you can overcome these difficulties, as to indicate the ways in which these difficulties may affect your desire to have a relationship in the first place.
You see, if you’re experiencing a desperate need to fall in love, or a desperate need to have someone fall in love with you, then it’s likely that you have some kind of emotional wound or difficulty in your lover, and it will impact the way in which you express your desire to be loved.
And of course there are plenty of good ways to love, all of which can express your intimate whole adult self openly and honestly to a relationship or sexual partner.
Mutual sexual pleasure is vital in a relationship
One good way of recovering your natural innate human ability to love, is simply being in a loving relationship that is open and honest, where each partner is working towards the benefit and growth of the other, as well as their own growth and individuation.
And there are other aspects to any human relationship.
Sexuality is a massively important aspect of sexual and emotional relationships between adult human. And it’s fair to say that if you want someone to fall in love with you you probably also want to have a sexual relationship with them.
If you want to know how to pleasure a woman, there’s plenty of information here. (If you don’t understand what pleasure a womanmeans, it means taking her to orgasm – and sure, it’s equally true that a woman can pleasure a man – indeed men look to women for sensual experience because women tend spend more of their time and invest more of their emotional energy in the lover archetype than men do.)
But essentially sexual pleasure is about enjoying not only an intimate sexual relationship, but about constantly striving to enjoy better and better orgasms, so that the pleasure you can gain from your intimate relationship increases naturally as time goes by.
You see, many people don’t make an effort to increase their sexual pleasure, indeed a lot of men don’t make any effort at all to pleasure their female partner, expecting her to provide them with sexual fulfilment while offering none in return.
But the best way of being in a loving relationship is to offer and receive mutual sexual pleasure, and to understand that between the two of you, the potential for human expression of sexuality is almost infinite.
There is also a way of expressing sex that becomes transcendent, taking you into a spiritual realm. We won’t deal with that here, but the point I wish to make is that the level of sexual pleasure which most people experience is far below the potential sexual pleasure that a couple in love are capable of feeling for each other.
To enjoy your full birthright as a human being with sensual pleasure, it’s worthwhile learning those sexual techniques which expand the bounds of possibility beyond what you’ve already learnt in your previous relationships, with your previous partners.
In the midst of all the information on the Internet, truth and fantasy can sometimes get mixed up – and truth often gets completely lost among the fantasies, the fiction, and the fallacies.
So to set you straight on some important measurements about sex and everything that goes with it, we’ve looked through the Internet and we’ve discovered the following amazing facts!
Penis Length
First of all, penis size is much smaller than you might think if you’ve been watching a lot of porn with well hung studs thrusting deeply into screaming women.
Penis size bears no relationship to sexual pleasure.
In fact the average penis is 5.9 inches long when erect, and the size of an erect penis bears no relationship to the size of a flaccid penis.
Second of all, the physical sensations of orgasm last four times longer in a woman than a man.
Orgasm lasts 4 times longer in a woman than a man!
This is pretty amazing – women take longer to get aroused, women take longer to orgasm, and then, when they do come, they last for around 20 seconds in the throes of orgasm, whilst men can only muster a miserable 6 seconds on average! Maybe this reflects the fact that men get so much more pleasure from thrusting than women… Or do they?
Vagina Size
Third, the average vagina is a mere 4 inches long, and when it isn’t full of a penis or anything else that its owner cares to put inside, there’s no empty space inside it.
This does raise the interesting question of how a woman can possibly accommodate some of the giant pieces of mail equipment that we see – yes sorry to mention it again, in the porn on the Internet.
That mystery remains, as yet, unsolved, but it’s not hard to imagine that somewhere in the equation is a sensation of discomfort if not pain for the woman.
There’s been a programme on British TV recently called Naked Attraction, the premise of which is rather banal, in that people can choose a date for the night on the basis of bodily appearance alone (i.e., by looking at completely naked bodies, excluding faces).
One notable outcome of this is that when women are presented with enormous flaccid cocks, most of them turn the guy down on the grounds that it will be too painful for them to accommodate him during lovemaking.
Makes you think, doesn’t it? In fact, it puts a completely different slant on statistic # 1 above. Better to be average, eh?
There are loads of reasons why women might want to fake an orgasm, but first and foremost I think is the desire to make their man feel that he’s a good lover.
The second, regrettably, is probably to stop the man thrusting because the woman is not enjoying herself during a heavy bout of pounding.
The reality is that very few women reach orgasm during intercourse – far fewer than the figures that you see bandied around the Internet, most of which are probably designed just to make men feel inadequate.
In fact only 10 or 15% women can come through vaginal intercourse alone with no additional clitoral stimulation.
So if you can’t make a woman come during intercourse, you are part of a large majority of men and women who don’t experience this pleasure!
(If you want to have the pleasurable woman coming during intercourse, massage her clitoris. That way, sex won’t go on so long, the woman will be happy with an orgasm, and you might even get the pleasure of coming as she comes.)
Sex partners
Fifth, men and women have the same number of sex partners on average. There’s a myth – and that really is all it is – that men have far more sex partners than women.
If that were true there would have to be a small number of women having sex with an enormous number of men!
Assuming that when people talk about partners they (i.e. men) are not talking about sex that they’ve paid for, the statistics turn out to be swayed by an interesting aspect of female psychology.
Women will always understate the number of sexual partners they’ve had, and men will always tend to exaggerate. (The real average for both sexes is just under 8 in a lifetime, by the way…)
This seems to be based on the belief that certain judgements follow if a woman seems to have had a lot of sex partners: that she’ll be labelled promiscuous or a slut. Sure, and if a man admits to a lot of sex partners he’ll be labelled a stud and secretly admired.
But when you give people the opportunity to report on how many sex partners totally anonymously, so nobody can see what they’re writing down on a piece paper, guess what: men and women report exactly the same number of sex partners on average.
Length Of Intercourse
Sixth: we’ve already covered this, but why not cover it again!
The ideal duration of intercourse for women is between 7 and 10 minutes. But very few men can thrust for this long, most of them come within 5 minutes and the majority within 3. Anything going on beyond 12 minutes is really quite rare.
And in any event why are you looking at how long sex lasts?
Shouldn’t you be looking at the level of satisfaction and pleasure that you and your partner both get from sex?
When you look at it in that framework, then you might apply a completely different set of criteria to sexual intercourse.
That might be the number of orgasms reached during any kind of sex play. So, if you’re in any doubt that you’re lasting long enough, then what you might want to be doing is giving your woman orgasm through oral sex or manual pleasure before you even enter her. Satisfaction can be obtained in many different ways.
Pleasure comes in many forms
How Often, Not How Long?
The final interesting sex fact for today: how often couples have sex.
This is a bit like asking how long intercourse lasts – everybody wants know the answer to the question so they can compare themselves with the average and see if they are “adequate” in bed or not.
So get away from that mentality, because whatever you’re doing with your partner in bed, as long as you’re both happy with it and it’s satisfying for you, is good enough. But, just for the record and because we know you want to know: couples who have sex once a week are the most content.
However, it’s obvious that the number of times a week a couple have sex depends on many factors including their age and health.
So there is no right or wrong number of times to have sex, and there probably isn’t an easy way of defining an average.
According to David Schnarch only 26% of couples are hitting the once-a-week mark, with the majority of the respondents reporting sex only once or twice a month, or less!
However, another study printed in The University of Chicago Press about 10 years ago, stated that married couples are having sex about seven times a month, which is a little less than twice a week.
And in a third study, it was reported that out of the 16,000 adults interviewed, the older participants were having sex about 2 to 3 times per month, while younger participants said they were having sex about once a week.
We all know that sex is important in our lives – and also that some of the things which go with sex can be very significant to men and women.
So for instance, men are concerned about penis size and the duration of intercourse, and women tend to focus on the presence or absence of orgasm and the emotional connection with their partner.
And one thing that interests everybody, perhaps for different reasons, is the perennial question “how long does a real man last in bed?”
Well, How Long?
How long do you need to maintain sex to be a success in bed?
You might be thinking, if sex lasts for two or three minutes for you, that you’re just not good enough in bed, that you don’t last long enough, and that if only you could go on for longer, you’d be able to satisfy your partner in every way.
Think again!
It turns out, according to Dr Harry Fisch, that the average duration of intercourse is 7.3 minutes… wow! So long! But don’t get alarmed. He also discovered that in almost half of the times that men and women make love, the man ejaculates within two minutes.
So that means there must be a very few men who are making love for extremely long periods of time – and you have to think these guys have delayed ejaculation (about which, if you’re interested, you can read more here).
The duration of intercourse is vitally important to men and women alike.
First and foremost I’d like you to put your own view of your own performance in bed into context.
If you’re lasting 2 minutes you’re doing OK – at least as compared to all the other men in the world! If you’re lasting 3 minutes you’re doing better than most of them.
And if you lasting between 7 and 10 minutes then you’re a genius lover, because you are making love for what women regard as the ideal duration of intercourse: 7 to 10 minutes.
Now I know that when you read that the ideal duration of intercourse from a woman’s point of view is 7 to 10 minutes, you’re probably going to want to be one of those happy band of brothers who can make love for up to 10 minutes.
But statistics suggest that very few men can do that, and you’re much more likely to be somewhere around the average lover mark, with a staying power of 2 to 3 minutes in intercourse.
The question therefore, rather obviously, is “how can you extend the duration of intercourse?”
That’s exactly what this website is all about, but first of all let’s look at some of the background to this finding by Dr Fisch.
It’s not exactly news that men don’t last very long during intercourse.
As long ago as Dr Alfred Kinsey working in the 1950s, researchers demonstrated that the majority of men came within two minutes or less.
And for a long time that’s been one part of the definition of rapid or premature ejaculation.
And There’s More!
Whoops! Hold the press… News just in reveals that actually the average time of intercourse is not 7.3 minutes at all, it’s 5.4 minutes – a much more believable figure.
This comes from Dr. Brendan Zietsch, a psychologist from the University of Queensland, who asked couples to measure the time between penetration and male ejaculation using a stopwatch.
What’s a “short” time between ejaculation and orgasm?
It’s about as good a method of measuring the duration of intercourse as you can get, and although it’s not very romantic, this is regarded as a reliable way of measuring the duration of intercourse itself.
So we have a discrepancy between the average time of 5.4 minutes and the ideal time in women’s minds of 7 to 10 minutes.
The question still remains, though: if you don’t match up to the average in terms of your endurance and staying power in bed, how can you manage to last longer?
One interesting study was conducted in Sweden on 152 heterosexual couples. It turned out that while women thought men wanted very brief foreplay and intercourse, the truth was that men really wanted intercourse and foreplay to last just as long as women did. (Mind you, this was Sweden, so it might not be applicable to everywhere else in the world.)
Dr. Antonio Pastore of the Sapienza University of Rome decided to do something about this: he worked with a group of 40 men between the ages of 1946 who came far too quickly for their liking (within 1 minute overall, and with an average duration of 33 seconds), and who’d been having no success in overcoming their difficulties in extending the duration of intercourse.
For a 12 week period, these unfortunate men were given exercises to strengthen their pelvic floor muscles. To start with the group came within 32 seconds on average – after 12 weeks of pelvic floor exercises, the average duration was 2 minutes 26 seconds.
Now that isn’t a massive increase, and as we’ve seen above it’s still far less than the average duration of intercourse among all couples, but nonetheless, if you are one of these unfortunate men sure it would seem like a massive improvement in intercourse duration, and you’d most likely feel very proud of the increase in your staying power.
Pelvic Floor Exercises
Well, you can read all about the pelvic floor exercises here – don’t be fooled by the fact that this leaflet talks about bladder and bowel control. If you read on, you’ll see that strong pelvic floor muscles can also prevent premature ejaculation. Hurrah!
Basically there are two kinds of exercises: slow twitch and fast twitch. You do the slow twitch first and then the fast twitch each time you do the exercises.
To perform the slow twitch exercises: 1. Close and draw up the muscles around your back passage, as if you are trying to stop passing wind. Make sure that you do not contract (tighten) your buttock muscles while you do this. 2. Now close and draw up the muscles around your urethra, as though you are trying to stop the flow of urine. 3. Try not to hold your breath, breathe normally. Pull upwards and count how long you can hold the squeeze. If you can hold for a count of 10, then relax for a count of 10. 4. Repeat this until you feel tired. 5. Over time you should be able to increase the length of time you can hold for.
To perform the fast twitch exercises: 1. Pull up the pelvic floor muscles as before. 2. Hold for one second and then relax. 3. Repeat until your muscles feel tired.
Note that’s only the brief explanation of how you do it – it’s well worth looking at the leaflet to read about the other issues you need to know about to make this an effective way of extending your staying power!
The coital alignment technique is a special way of making love, a modified missionary position, which men and women can use to enable the woman to experience a way of making love which leads to orgasm during sex.
An ideal position for mutual orgasm – but it’s not the coital alignment technique.
One of the advantages of this is that sex becomes more intimate and rewarding for a couple, and they both find that the reward of reaching orgasm greatly enhances their experience of being together both in and out of bed.
As you can imagine, this leads to a mutual exchange of loving feelings, as well as the simple reward and good sense of a shared experience which has resulted in mutual orgasm – perhaps even simultaneous orgasm.
The unfortunate thing is that although there are many resources on the Internet about how to use the coital alignment technique, it’s somehow shrouded in obscurity and mystery when you read the descriptions!
It’s not an easy technique to master because it’s so counter to the way that we naturally learn to make love, and indeed perhaps also to the instincts that we bring to making love (women – to submit; men to dominate, “take” and ejaculate as fast as possible).
In the CAT the male partners, instead of thrusting in and out of their partner, are encouraged to take a sexual position on their partner in which their penis enters her vagina at a more vertical angle, and to move differently: instead of thrusting in and out, to adopt a rocking motion which leads to the movement of the penis up and down inside the woman’s vagina.
Coital alignment technique
This may sound counterintuitive, perhaps even a little peculiar, but the object of the exercise is very clear: it’s to make the man’s pubic area, in particular his pubic bone and possibly also the base of his penile shaft, come into contact with the woman’s clitoral area, or more specifically her clitoral head.
This will bring her to orgasm.
The repeated rocking motion, which has to be adapted so that it’s at a level of intensity which is pleasurable for the woman, can lead to a much longer period of intercourse because the man does not thrust deeply (which tends to make him ejaculate fast); instead it leads to a gradual buildup of pressure on her clitoris at an intensity that can bring her to orgasm much more easily.
Clearly there are many advantages to this. However, some people try the coital alignment technique and then quickly abandon it because they don’t find it easy to use in practice.
But, with persistence and a degree of sophisticated lovemaking, it is true that the coital alignment technique will bring the woman to orgasm during intercourse, lead to simultaneous orgasm, and indeed, take you both to a new experience of sex…..
What this means is that the man and woman can experience a kind transcendental state during sex, which is something very unlike the kind of sex which produces normal orgasm.
It’s a kind of breaking of boundaries, the unification of the two people into one, and a movement into the spiritual dimension of sex which is often talked about, but rarely experienced.
Whether or not you want to reach the spiritual dimension during sex is, of course, a matter of personal choice and taste, because you may be satisfied with the sexual relationship that you have!
However the coital alignment technique can definitely improve the enjoyment of sex for a woman, even if you’re not interested in moving into the spiritual dimension.
By bringing her to orgasm in this way, a man makes sex much more intense and rewarding for a woman, and it follows therefore that she’s going to enjoy sex much more.
And so is he. But the natural place of woman is in the Lover archetype, which is all about feeling, flow, and connection.
For a man who is in a sexual relationship with a woman, to have his partner and lover find enjoying sex as much as much as he is can be a transformative experience; it’s definitely a bonding experience within the relationship, and the mechanics of the coital alignment technique can lead to developments in the relationship which go far beyond physical pleasure.
Love and connection
Love and connection are all about mutual intimacy and sensuality – and in no way can sexual intercourse be said to involve mutual sensuality and connection if the woman is not reaching orgasm on a regular basis.
Indeed, for those relationships where the man is simply taking his pleasure at the expense of the woman, making no effort to ensure she reaches orgasm in return, it’s definitely a major improvement to be able to use the alignment technique, because it offers the pleasure of satisfaction and sexual fulfilment for both partners.
Mutual pleasure is everything in sex
Now, you may not be particularly interested in satisfying your partner right now, but the simple fact is that when men and women make love, there should be a mutuality, a sense of mutual affection and love, a willingness to provide as well as take, a willingness to satisfy, and indeed, an expectation on the woman’s part that she will have an orgasm.
If your relationship is in difficulties, then the coital alignment technique can make it better; if your relationship is working well, the coital alignment technique can make it even better; and, remember also, we are all entitled to achieve as much sexual pleasure as possible.
It is our right to extend our sexual pleasure to limits of our sexual capacity, and to experience what our bodies are capable of…. this is a God-given source of mutual satisfaction.
You can find instructions all over the Internet on how best to use the coital alignment technique, but some of the best have been provided here – this is where you will find clear instructions, together with videos, photographs and demonstrations of the coital alignment technique, together with a video program that will enable you to become an excellent lover and satisfy your partner, hopefully on every occasion you get into bed together!
When you’re looking for a way of achieving more fun (which probably means more orgasms!) in your sex life, the best way is to think of your partner’s pleasure first.
So for me, what this means is making sure than my female partner always has an orgasm before I enter her…. what you may not know is that many women (probably all women, in fact) like to enjoy feeling their man inside them after they have had an orgasm.
Sex for women is different to sex for men – once a woman has had an orgasm, she is most likely still going to be ready to enjoy more sexual contact, whereas, as you most likely know, once man has had an orgasm…. well, that tends to signal the end of sex for the day!
So any man who is concerned with his partner’s pleasure will take the time to ensure that she has an orgasm before he does. and furthermore, if he genuinely looks out for her pleasure, he will be always trying to give her the best orgasm he can… which may include a squirting or ejaculating orgasm.
Now, many women will say that they are not interested in the finer points of squirting (also known as gushing) orgasms, but the truth is that once a woman has experienced this phenomenon, she is likely to find that her continued development means the production of Amrita (or female ejaculate) is a natural step along the road of sexual pleasure.
So men can score highly with their womenfolk by learning how to give a woman a squirting orgasm, and taking her to the highest levels of pleasure before enjoying their own ejaculation during intercourse.
Get a body like this with the Adonis Golden Ratio
Now, the question arises – how are you going to do this? To start with, men should always be as fit as possible. It goes without saying, perhaps, that the fitter and healthier you are, the more sex drive you will have, and the more ability you will have to pleasure your partner and to turn her on in the first place. You will find that the Adonis Ratio Diet is a fitness program for men which is more than able to fulfill all those objectives.
Another answer is to take the video training program available from OrgasmArts.com. This is all about men learning how to pleasure a woman effectively. Check out their female orgasm videos here.
That video will effectively allow you to learn the art of vaginal stimulation so that you can bring a woman to the peak of pleasure – but for full information on the ultimate pleasure that you can give a woman, you need to check out “How to make a woman squirt” – well, what are you waiting for? Check out how to make a woman gush now.
Now, of course some of you men reading this will be thinking, “well, can this really be true?” And I understand your doubts. There’s a tendency on the part of all men to think that vaginal intercourse is just as pleasurable for the woman as it is for the man, but sadly that is not true… many women don’t actually like vaginal intercourse and put up with it only for the sake of the pleasure it brings their men.
An ideal position for ejaculation control
So what you can do here is to consistently improve your sexual skills and by doing so, show your partner that you are very interested in her welfare and that you love her. If you want to know more about the reality of squirting or gushing orgasm, you can find out more here. The ultimate answer, however, to each couple’s sexual pleasure, is for communication to be consistent, open and honest. By telling each other what you want and ensuring that the lines of communication remain open, you will ensure that your sex life remains fun filled and happy.
When a man knows the level of arousal in his body, and can feel the beginning of the fluttering of the muscles of the pelvis as they prepare for ejaculation and orgasm, he is in a better place to be able to control premature ejaculation.
PC muscle control is key to ejaculation control
The important stage, therefore, of any training program would go something like this: as his arousal increases, and he senses the contraction of the muscles of the pelvis becoming stronger, he can slow down his arousal with short lived, voluntary contractions of the pubococcygeal muscle. You can also read about this in ejaculation by command, a system for men to get complete control in bed.
This will inhibit the increase in his arousal.
Good sex depends on ejaculation control
Now, you may well have seen that a number of ejaculation control programs which suggest that it’s possible to control ejaculation by strengthening the pubococcygeal muscle and then using it to clamp down as the process of ejaculation commences.
I’ve researched the matter thoroughly and I can assure you that there is absolutely no possibility of controlling ejaculation by clamping down PC muscle.
For one thing, it doesn’t actually stop the process of ejaculation: if it works at all, it only works to stop the semen being ejected from the end of the penis.
What this means is that while contracting the PC muscle hard, you lose the pleasure of orgasm, you don’t control your ejaculation, and you also lose your erection.
However the interesting thing is that there is a way to use the pubococcygeal muscle as a means of ejaculation control when you’re learning to overcome premature ejaculation.
What you should actually be doing is contracting the muscle briefly at regular intervals in the run-up to “the point of no return”.
That is to say, as you become more aroused, you can contract the pubococcygeal muscle voluntarily, and as you do so, inhale. Then, holding the muscle, expel the air that you’ve inhaled in short sharp, explosive gasps.
This combination of physical muscle contraction and breathing will significantly reduce your arousal, interrupting the increase in your arousal and halting your headlong dash towards the point of no return.
It’s not entirely clear why this should be, although contracting the muscle in this way as you become more aroused will always cause a significant or noticeable decrease in the strength of your erection, and my assumption is that as your erection diminishes, the stimulation that your penis received diminishes, and so therefore does your arousal as well.
Orgasmic ability and good health are connected
This is actually a well-known Tantric technique for ejaculation control, and well worth practicing at home if you want to find a way of controlling ejaculation during sex with your partner. Read about getting orgasm by command here – a radial idea if ever there were one!
Admittedly, this requires patience and tolerance and understanding on your partner’s part as well, so it’s worth while researching this and explaining what you’re going to do with her before you actually commence!
Well, the classic advice is to find a sexual position in which your penis receives less stimulation, so you have a chance of lasting longer before you ejaculate.
Much has been written on the subject, and the various merits of different sexual positions been debated extensively in Internet forums and elsewhere.
What I can tell you with great certainty, however, is that whatever sex position you find most arousing will be the one that is least enabling of ejaculation control.
The sex positions that you find least arousing, either psychologically or physically — that is to say, the ones which place less pressure on your penis, and therefore provide less neural stimulation — are the ones that will help you last longer.
So in this category, we’re probably going to assume that rear entry sex is a no-no for most men who are learning to control premature ejaculation, simply because it is so arousing.
The same might also be true of the man on top sex position, which has the capacity to arouse and excite in a way that other positions do not.
This is because the muscular tension that you have to exert to keep your weight off the woman as you position yourself on top of her increases the amount of tension in your body.
Since orgasm is actually primarily the release of tension which has built up in the body, you can see that any sex position which increases bodily tension is likely to shorten the time between penetration and ejaculation.
What’s a “short” time between ejaculation and orgasm?
Which just leaves – more or less – sitting sex positions and the side-by-side sex position, The power of these is actually borne out by the reports that men have given me about how effective they can be in learning ejaculation control.
I strongly recommend that you use the side-by-side sex position if you wish to gain greater ejaculatory control because what you will find, when you practice, is that you can start of the man on top position and then turn onto your sides, in this way giving the woman plenty of pleasure and decreasing the s amount of pressure on your penis significantly.
So interestingly enough, this is a position which will place less pressure on your penis and so allow you to last longer, while not depriving woman of much pleasure. It’s ideal for ejaculation control because it allows you to lie still, talk to each other, caress all the erotic parts of each of other’s body….
An ideal position for ejaculation control
… and, in particular, for a man with premature ejaculation, lying still in this way will prove to be a very effective means of ejaculation control.
The rationale is that he’s not receiving much stimulation to his penis, and so therefore he is much less likely to ejaculate. Thrusting is easy to control, but cannot be particularly deep in this position, which gives a man another helpful way to ensure that he doesn’t come too soon.
All in all this is an excellent lovemaking position for ejaculation control.
So to sum up, I’d like to list the combination of techniques that give a man ejaculation control to a very high degree: they are
masturbation training to become familiar with sensations of the body before the point of no return and during the run-up to ejaculation
vaginal acclimatization
choosing the correct sex position
using muscular control of the pubococcygeal muscle.
By combining all these techniques in various ways, you are likely to be able to establish complete control of your ejaculation within only a few weeks.
I’m often asked in my role as a sex counselor, “what is the best sex position?”
Well, there’s no simple answer this question because what a couple find enjoyable depends on the orientation of the erect penis in the vagina, and also the relative size of the male and female genitals.
This means that one couple will find the physical pleasure of, say, man on top to be highly preferable to the physical pleasure of rear entry, while another couple may experience exactly the reverse.
No choice is right or wrong, it just depends on what suits a couple most.
Taken with the psychological and emotional pleasures of different sex positions, you can see that the opportunity for variation in favourite positions between couples is considerable.
However, one thing that almost all couples complain about is the fact that it’s rather difficult for the woman to reach orgasm during intercourse.
This is a perennial source of difficulty and friction for couples, where the woman expects to be able to get sexual pleasure, quite reasonably, from the activities of her man, but he is only interested in thrusting to ejaculation during intercourse.
One solution, of course, is for a man to spend a lot more time on foreplay, but the truth is, that very often men are reluctant to do this, even though there are many advantages to doing so: not least the fact that an aroused woman enjoys lovemaking, and she’s much more into the experience, than a woman who’s not been aroused.
So if the man is going to go rapidly to intercourse (i.e. thrusting) then he clearly has a responsibility to ensure that it’s prolonged for the maximum duration possible, so as to ensure that woman can get an orgasm and full sexual pleasure.
In addition he also has a responsibility to try and ensure that she has an orgasm. The one method that might allow couples to enjoy orgasm during intercourse is the coital alignment technique, a sexual technique which is a modification of the standard missionary position. Click here to read all about it.
The coital alignment technique specifically requires the man and woman to adopt a different orientation during lovemaking.
To start with, the man enters as he would during standard missionary sex, and then shifts his body upwards, so that the angle of his penis is bent backwards, and that his pelvic bone, or pubic bone more specifically, is located in the general area of his partner’s clitoris.
Then, instead of thrusting backwards and forwards, a couple adopt a rocking motion which is more of an up-and-down motion of their pelvises.
If done correctly, the coital alignment technique will have the effect of allowing the man’s pubic bone to stimulate the whole clitoral area of the woman, resulting in a level of stimulation that may well produce an orgasm if the man does not ejaculate too soon.
Now I know this is only one of the sex positions available to many couples, but it’s one of the best sex positions for couple who want enjoy female orgasm and maybe simultaneous orgasm during sexual intercourse.
