Delayed Ejaculation

Conventionally, therapy for delayed ejaculation involves lots of discussion of “emotional issues”. You delve down into the emotional baggage of the past. This allows you to uncover the psychodynamic issues which lie at the root of issues like delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation.

Some people seem to think delayed ejaculation is caused by physical issues. But there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever to suggest this is true. In fact, the idea that delayed ejaculation is caused by an oversensitive penis has been disproved many times.

Doctors have used vibrator tests on the penis to check this. They show that if there are any effects are due to oversensitivity, it’s an oversensitivity of the nervous system. This may be something related to the “highly sensitive person” syndrome.

So if you accept that delayed ejaculation is in fact a psychological issue then it’s quite obvious that a psychological cure can be the way to deal with it. As I already mentioned, classically this would involve psychotherapy. And many men are reluctant to engage in the process of psychotherapy because of the expense and the embarrassment may ensue from revealing personal details about sex. That especially applies to you if you are a man who does not know how to maintain sexual pleasure in your relationship.

Something that many people have found effective for dealing with ejaculation problems is hypnosis. You can find many effective and powerful self hypnosis treatments on the Internet. These are available for download as MP3 recordings which you can put onto an iPlayer or MP3 player and use at your convenience.

In general treatments like this will require you to play recording at least once or possibly twice a day. You need to do this for several weeks before you can see an improvement.

However the comparative cheapness, and high level of effectiveness of these programs do make them highly desirable. Many men who want to improve their sexual performance have found them helpful.

Whether or not these programs get to the root of the psychodynamic issues which can lie behind delayed ejaculation is an open question. It’s much more likely that they overlay a new “program” in the subconscious over the old fear or anger based behavior.

This is the essence of techniques used by personal development therapists at seminars like Tony Robbins. In a state of high energy, a new behavior pattern can be laid down over the old one, supplanting it and taking its place, and bringing about changes in behavior.

There are other ways of “altering” a psychological “program” laid down in the subconscious, including the use of the alpha state of deep relaxation. This basically amounts to much the same thing as self hypnosis. Indeed, this is the state of mind in which you should listen to a self hypnosis tape.

It appears that the self hypnosis process can be just as effective in eliminating old patterns of behavior. The effectiveness matches that of “treatment” undertaken in a state of high energy in the kind of seminars that I referred to above.

Now, having said all that, the question is – how are you going to go about selecting a self hypnosis tape? Well, first of all you need one that helps you to visualize. This is especially true if you’re not practiced in the art of visualization.

Although people tend to think that visualization is a difficult skill, it certainly isn’t – it just requires practice.

Even so, I lose track of the number of people that I’ve met over the years who make a bold statement like “I can’t visualize.” The truth is that they haven’t practiced, or they don’t feel the motivation to do so.

Sometimes, I admit, they don’t have the techniques at their disposal. So a self hypnosis recording which can encourage visualization is a great start, So is one that can actually take you through a guided meditation.

In other words, you actually want to find one recorded specifically for the sake of delayed ejaculation. As you  you use it, you engage with a state of relaxation in which your brain can be “reprogrammed”, subtly, slowly, and effectively.

Some will know that this is very similar to the techniques used in manifestation and visualization. I do want to say a few words about that in this post.

Visualization and manifestation techniques rely on psychological imagery to reprogram the brain to “expect” a different outcome in a given situation.

Whether or not there’s any mystical aspect to this process is another issue. You don’t have to assume that when the subconscious mind believes something to be true it goes about creating it in physical reality!

The reason for this is that the brain can’t tolerate cognitive dissonance. It can’t tolerate difference between the reality as perceived by the senses and the reality as recorded in the brain. When there is a difference it seeks to change the external world. In this case, this is basically your sexual performance. It changes it to a different physical reality so that mind and body are in line. That’s the essence of manifestation and visualization, so there’s no mystery about the process.

All in all therefore, mental techniques can be used to program the subconscious mind to expect a different outcome. This is true whether that’s in terms of prosperity, relationships, sexual performance, or indeed anything else.

Whether or not this works for you is actually going to be entirely up to the dedication with which you approach the technique. At the end of the day, nobody can make any changes to your sexual performance except yourself.

You do have to do commit to a certain amount of time to use these techniques. Whether using self hypnosis or visualization, you’re going to need to meditate for about 10 or 15 minutes twice a day.

This hardly seems like a huge investment of time. Whether or not you’re willing to make it shows how seriously you are approaching your delayed ejaculation or other sexual dysfunction.

If you’re highly motivated to cure the problem, this investment of time will seem very insignificant. It’s certainly true that the rewards in terms of an improved sexual life can outweigh the cost and investment of time you need to make.

Psychological Causes of Delayed Ejaculation

I think it’s obvious that not many people know about delayed ejaculation – at least, not beyond those who experience it.

And that’s not surprising, because most people think of male sexual problems as a man consistently reaching orgasm too soon, i.e. premature ejaculation, or as a man experiencing erectile dysfunction.

And most people’s understanding doesn’t go far beyond those two, admittedly very troublesome, sexual dysfunctions.

Even more strange, men with a slow climax usually have a firm erection.

Looking like you’re ready for sex doesn’t always mean you are!

This seems odd because we’re all so accustomed to an erection meaning a man wants to make love, and he’s ready and willing to have intercourse with a partner to the point of climax. And that he will have no difficulty doing so.

So why would a man have an erection, keep an erection during intercourse, be able to make love, and not be able to come? Well, this book explains a great deal about the problem of delayed ejaculation. In fact with the help of this book (US version here), you may be able to solve the problem yourself!

Before we go any further it’s important to emphasize that delayed ejaculation isn’t so unusual. About one man in 12 experiences some degree of difficulty reaching climax at any one point in time.

And the problem takes different forms, too: some men can have an orgasm but don’t ejaculate. Some men come with no feeling. And, as we all know, a climax doesn’t always feel the same.

But for these problems to be accurately described as delayed ejaculation, we’re looking at a situation where a man can make love for prolonged periods of time but doesn’t actually come while doing so.

Perhaps one of the things that can help us understand this “dysfunction” – an unpleasant term for a surprisingly common condition! – is knowing a little bit more about the orgasmic reflex in men.

The Sexual Response Cycle In Men

You may or may not know about this, so I’ll keep it simple. Male sexual response is a two-stage process, the first part of which is known as emission.

That’s the movement of semen from the seminal vesicles into the base of the urethra. It triggers the expulsion of semen from the penis by means of strong muscular contractions in the pubococcygeus muscles and the other muscles around the base of the urethra.

So you can understand that the lack of any release of semen could be due to a failure of either part of the ejaculatory reflex. Now, some of the causes of that failure are very obvious: some men with diabetes, for example, have neural degeneration which inhibits the reflex responses of the nervous system necessary for the completion of the sexual act.

Some men who are taking SSRI drugs designed to treat depression may find that they are no longer able to bring intercourse to its natural conclusion. These inhibit the ejaculatory response. There are many other substances which can do this as well.

But if that, or degeneration of the nerve cells, or alcohol, or other similar factors are not at work, then what might be causing delayed ejaculation?

Well, unfortunately for a lot of men, who don’t like to examine their emotional experiences, the answer to that question has to be – yes, you guessed it – emotional factors.

A lot of men prefer to think of any condition or illness as being caused by physical problems rather than emotional ones, just because they find physical issues a lot easier to deal with.

Regrettably, however, in the case of delayed ejaculation it’s the emotional factors which are often more important.

I have met a lot of men who think that emotional factors couldn’t possibly inhibit ejaculation. I mean, it seems so unlikely. Could the mind really be able to inhibit something so powerful as the male urge to ejaculate? Could that really be possible?

Yes, it certainly could, and if you think about the way emotional factors can cause a loss of erection, this might become easier to understand.

A common observation about male sexuality is that a man’s penis springs into life at the slightest hint of getting into bed with a partner – and this is no less a powerful response than the urge to achieve orgasm and climax.

But it’s also true that an erection can disappear in an instant, due to anxiety, anger, or downright fear. I think most people would probably find that quite understandable, even natural.

So is it much of a stretch, then, to believe that a similar process might be at work with retarded ejaculation?

The reality is that “the penis never lies”: it’s an old saying which basically means that whatever your hidden feelings around, say, your body, or your partner, is going to show you the truth, no matter how much you might want to hide it from yourself.

So for an adolescent boy who is pressurized by his peers’ expectations into making love with his girlfriend, the loss of erection indicates very clearly his real feelings on the matter: he is very scared about doing it, or he simply doesn’t want to do it.

With an adult man who experiences difficulty in ejaculating during intercourse, the presence of an erection may, for example, indicate a willingness to please his partner, but the absence of orgasm may indicate a deeper truth: he simply doesn’t want to be with that partner.

I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of men reading this, men who have difficulty reaching climax during intercourse – maybe even masturbation – were shaking their heads in disbelief.

Even virile men can experience delayed ejaculation

And I totally understand that response. The idea seems, well, shall we say, “hard to believe”, at the very least.

Unfortunately for you, perhaps, there is a lot of evidence to support this viewpoint.

But Are Difficulties With  Ejaculation Always Emotionally Based?

Before we go on, I’d like to draw your attention to one significant cause of delayed ejaculation which does not appear to be emotional.

That is Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome. This is a grand name for a situation where a boy has learned to masturbate using excessive stimulation to his penis. This could involve very intense pressure, or fast hand movements. It could even involve thrusting against the mattress.

You can see quite easily that if the boy’s learned to stimulate himself in this way, it’s obvious that his penis is rarely going to get the same level of stimulation during lovemaking with a partner. I mean, women are often very sensitive about hurting their men and tend to treat the penis very delicately. Men do not. Or at least some men do not – and we need to observe this, understand it, and explain it.

And oral and vaginal stimulation during lovemaking certainly don’t offer the kind of pressure and intensity that this sort of masturbation does.

So it’s obvious that a lot of men have conditioned their bodies to respond only in a certain way to a certain type of stimulation, and the very fact that they can’t get that stimulation during intercourse means they can’t reach orgasm.

Well, I’m going to offer some suggestions for men in this situation later on (you’ll see them in the post above this one).

But in my opinion a lot of delayed ejaculation is caused by emotional issues, and it’s these I would like to look at first.

Even though the actual act of sexual stimulation, orgasm and ejaculation is a reflex response in the body, intimate sensual arousal is very definitely a mental and emotional process. But that’s not the whole truth.

Oddly enough it’s also a physical process – in that the stimulation that finally triggers the reflex of orgasm is physical stimulation to the penis.

And, as you probably know very well, you have to reach a certain level of arousal before this will happen.

Now, it is critical to understanding delayed ejaculation to know that a man can have an erection and still not be aroused. I think a lot of men probably know this anyway, because it’s not uncommon for a man to develop an erection and yet subjectively understand that he doesn’t feel aroused.

This seems to be a key for thing among many men who have difficulty reaching climax during intercourse. They have an erection, but they are not aroused.

That could also be one part of a complex of reasons why it is sometimes necessary for a man to give himself such intense, hard and fast stimulation before he ejaculates.

Another key to understanding these difficulties is that guys who aren’t able to come easily seem to be highly motivated to give their partner an orgasm. In fact, often these men (and you may be one of them) are very conscientious lovers. Regrettably, however, they very often have no idea how to satisfy themselves during intercourse.

All of the work they do during the intimacy of sex is about pleasing their partner.

And while it’s certainly possible to imagine that that could be satisfying for a man, it’s much easier to see this urge, this compulsion, as a cause of resentment and anger. Interestingly, it’s often associated with certain clear characteristics such as passivity on the part of the female partner.

Video – psychological causes of delayed ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation – the inability to ejaculate during intercourse

There’s a key concept which appears to confuse many men and their sexual partners about delayed ejaculation. And that is that even though orgasm and ejaculation are generally thought to be one and the same thing, they are, in fact, two different reactions.

The pleasurable feeling of orgasm is a mental event, which happens purely inside your head. Ejaculation, on the other hand, is a highly pleasurable physical reaction that is triggered by sufficient stimulation to the penis and other pleasure points elsewhere in the body. Unfortunately men with delayed ejaculation may experience neither orgasm nor ejaculation. (Orgasm without ejaculation is a completely different condition, often caused by physical problems inside the genito-urinary system.)

Video on delayed ejaculation

When erotic pleasure gets to a near-climactic point, the flow of semen near the farthest point of the the urethra builds up the pressure at the root of the penis. This in turn triggers a whole series of physical responses which includes movement of the pubococcygeal muscle.

Ejaculation is governed by the autonomic nervous system, while sexual arousal is confined to the voluntary nervous system.

Delayed ejaculation is not a “new” problem. It’s been around for ages, is also known as ejaculatory incompetence, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and male orgasmic disorder. Those names probably represent an increasingly humane and sympathetic attitude from the medical profession, an attitude which has developed over time. But for our times, “delayed ejaculation” is a clear term which describes exactly what this condition is all about.

Compassion and humanity are very much required in working with the men whose sex lives are impacted by their difficulty ejaculating during sex. These men may be very confused and bewildered by their failure to ejaculate during intercourse.

Delayed ejaculation treatment has evolved over time

As you may know, many men with delayed ejaculation are able to ejaculate more or less easily when they are pleasuring themselves (aka masturbating). This fact has led many scientists to suggest that relationship issues might be a big part of delayed ejaculation.

However, it’s wise to be cautious about this: the dynamics of the relationship between a man and his partner are complex and difficult to relate to physically based sexual problems. 

Even so, a man’s inability to ejaculate during fellatio, intercourse, or direct manual stimulation by a partner is a pretty clear sign that he has developed delayed ejaculation. These might indicate that he is not developing a level of sexual arousal high enough to allow him to reach orgasm. And they might also mean that he receives more pleasure from masturbation than from sex. Enough pleasure to allow him to reach orgasm. 

Of course, any man can condition his own body to react to higher levels of stimulation during masturbation. For example, a man is able to apply hard, firm, or high-frequency stimulation during self pleasuring, in a manner that is not simulated during penetrative sex with a partner. The consequence of such stimulation has been called traumatic masturbatory syndrome.

And if this is the crux of the problem, the cure for delayed ejaculation will be in the form of somehow retraining his penis to respond to a slightly different style of stimulation that can eventually bring about a climax  during intercourse.

Video – traumatic masturbatory syndrome

Relationship difficulties and delayed ejaculation

However, relationship difficulties can cause a loss of intimacy and a decrease in desire. A slowly rising attitude of hostility may degrade intimacy to the point where a man no longer enjoys intercourse. He may be unable to speak about this to his partner, or start a rational dialogue to resolve their problems.

And even if there isn’t an emotional or psychological cause, such as resentment, anger, or any other adverse feelings on the part of the man towards his partner, there may well be a particular type of personality which is prone to delayed ejaculation. (Click on the cover image below to see a book on delayed ejaculation.)

 

According to the most current research journals, this individual type is quite likely a person who is somehow detached during sexual activity. He may be unaware of how aroused he is during sexual activity. He may think of sex as an obligation that he needs to perform, and whish he resents. He may see himself as responsible for his female partner’s pleasure. He may be convinced that the woman’s pleasure must come first and is the the most important part of sex.

These men generally, whether intentionally or not, see themselves as the “workhorse of sex”, thrusting rhythmically and energetically to steer intercourse to a successful climax (for the woman).

An important observation here is that many of the female partners of men in this situation tend to be disinterested about sex. They may have a a tacit understanding that their man is somehow responsible for their sexual pleasure. (Of course, in reality, everyone is responsible for their own pleasure.)

In instances like this, it’s helpful to re-educate the sexual partners and coach them in such a way that their ideas and attitudes about sex and sexual pleasure can be steered closer to reality.

Also, some men with this type of personality profile generally lack an awareness of their personal level of sexual pleasure. Often there seems to be a certain disconnect, or even a void, in their sexual maturity. They may have come to associate their internal sexual arousal with simply having sex with a partner.

What can be gleaned from all this? It seems these men are in a frustrating state of sexual confusion. They are attempting to engage in sex without all the emotional and physiological sensory awareness necessary for sex to be a pleasurable and mutually satisfying experience.

Delayed ejaculation video

Establishing The Facts (from www.working-relationship.com)

The first step in treatment if you see a sex therapist is likely to involve some kind of assessment of when you can actually achieve orgasm in sex. And here a number of typical questions that you might like to think about… questions that are relevant for the therapist and client alike!

• Does the man experience performance pressure right from the start of intercourse or does it begin later on?
• To what degree does the man feel himself to be “spectatoring”, that is to say detached from the sexual process in which he is engaged with his partner, and to what degree does he feel himself fully involved from moment to moment?
• Does the man have sexual fantasies, and does he accept them without guilt or shame?
• Does the man focus on satisfying his sexual partner, or is he also aware of his own needs and does he set out to have them fulfilled?
• Does the man believed that his partner is interested in sex with him, or that she is just tolerating it?
• Does the man feel any anxiety or apprehension around the prospect of orgasm and ejaculation (especially intravaginally), or alternatively with the loss of control that he may feel if he ejaculates?
• And finally – how does the man with DE masturbate? Does he use internal erotic imagery or sexual fantasies and accept these easily or try to repress them?

Now, these questions are designed to address the issues that a man seeking a cure for delayed ejaculation may face during sex. There are, of course, deeper issues which can be examined – such as feelings of anger or hostility towards the man’s partner – but such psychodynamic  issues generally emerge as therapy continues.