Effects Of Delayed Ejaculation 

As seen in the internet discussion forums

The Female Viewpoint

A woman says that she’s decided to look at the thread in the social forum so she can better understand her partner who’s experiencing anxiety around his delayed ejaculation (DE) and sexual issues (he can’t climax during intercourse).

She says that this forum’s thread has certainly helped to understand how it must be from the man’s perspective.

And then she comments about the female perspective:

She says she gets concerned when she sees him upset, she feels she should be doing something different to help, and then she claims that his defenses are pushing her away.

As a result, she feels unwanted.

One thing she’s discovered that helps is communicating her love by discussing all the good times they’ve had together and what they really love about what about one another.

And of course that’s all about good communication – which is always essential for solving difficulties of any kind in a relationship..

There follows quite a lot of discussion about feelings, and how one guy cried during a CBT session, and so on and so on — all of which suggests that good therapy is very helpful. 

 Video On Delays In Male Climax

The original contributor buys a fleshlight at this point while his girlfriend’s away for a few weeks, and he finds that he can climax with it while thrusting, and even with a condom on: it’s far softer in terms of stimulation than his hand, so he thinks he’s making big progress.

At this point another new contributor enters the debate.

This guy’s problems are slightly different: he’s 26, has delayed ejaculation – he’s been married a year, but been with her for 10 years, although they never had sex in the nine years before marriage!

He makes the observation that he’s masturbated every day since he was 12, in fact several times a day. He had a strange technique of rubbing the glans, because he had a non-retractable foreskin.

Once the phimosis was solved he found he could come normally with masturbation, but he still couldn’t ejaculate inside his wife. So he has delayed ejaculation, and even though 3 to 4 hour-long sessions of sex at the start of their marriage were fantastic, he now knows he’s got a problem.

Each day he feels “lower and lower” because he can’t enjoy the one thing he loves a lot!

All these guys are talking about how they are a real “bag of emotions”, how they all need to relax, need to sort their heads out, and so on – but somehow it doesn’t happen… There’s so much theoretical discussion going on, and there isn’t much engagement with the issues behind the real-life sexual problem of delayed ejaculation.

One guy makes the observation that ditching condoms helped him, and that is making a huge difference to his feeling — and he also advises other men to slow down the strokes, really feel what it’s like to be inside her, stop pumping like a rabbit, and take long slow deep strokes.

That’s all great advice and the common factor at work there is that the guys who do that are experiencing much more feeling than the guys who just take sex as a kind of task or challenge or problem to be completed.

Our original poster responds by saying that he thinks his brain has been been wired wrong by a combination of anxiety and excess porn use. But sadly, he’s now using porn in a vicious cycle to relax himself!

Video – porn and difficulties ejaculating

Another telling point: he can masturbate to orgasm now in two minutes on his own, but on cam with his partner watching it takes 8 to 20 minutes.

So yes, there is a mental factor at work when it comes to real sex – and what might that factor be? Anxiety, of course.

And at this point a guy chips in by saying that he’s read the whole thread on delayed ejaculation and he found a post which nobody responded to: this was from a guy who said that his problem was due to his strict religious/puritanical background.

He felt that masturbation was very dirty because of his upbringing, and so even if he did masturbate, he stopped before he reached orgasm. Now, at the age of 24 he’s never ejaculated in his life – and he also says he doesn’t know whether or not this is because of this habit or because he’s just a control freak.

And guess what? He was also a victim of sexual abuse. So there are many negative associations with sex: shame, guilt, abuse, anxiety.

When he did have sex with women, or try to, he found that he couldn’t come, because of his anxiety about “getting a disease” or “getting them pregnant”.

He also says he delays getting into a relationship because of the frustration that he sees coming ahead. And of course it’s equally likely that he’s avoiding getting into a relationship because he’d just be too anxious to do so.

And when another guy comes into the debate with a plea for help, our original poster makes the observation that it’s taken him 10 years “to get motivated to do what’s needed … I’m not going to lie, a lot depends on how much you want to help yourself”.

Another interesting and very relevant contribution:

“Many of the men tend to have had a strict upbringing and are very controlled in their lives. Some have terrific drive and detachment, and have risen to the top of their professions. A surprising number have been in the finance industry. Some of them readily admit to having quite controlling personalities. Very often this is directed inward rather than at other people. They may have difficulty in showing emotions and in ‘letting go’. Other possible factors include fear of causing pregnancy, fear that the vagina is dirty, over-strict religious upbringing and latent homosexuality.”

And yet another from a different character: “I have a strong hunch that what’s behind my problem is feeling vulnerable about being hurt by the woman somehow.”

Anxiety about connecting deeply with a woman, or revealing one’s vulnerability, can have just as dramatic effect on a man’s sexual performance – except in this case of course it makes him ejaculate really quickly. So to hear somebody with delayed ejaculation saying that he thinks his problem is about his deep feelings towards women is a refreshing change.  

What’s interesting, too, is that he says even when his woman’s had a number of orgasms and he hasn’t had one, he then begins to think that she might not care how he feels.

So that definitely indicates a lack of trust towards women. He simply doesn’t feel accepted by women.

In situations like this it’s so easy hard to conclude that the classic psychotherapeutic explanation of delayed ejaculation has all the truth in it: the somehow men are withholding their orgasm/ejaculation/semen to punish women for the emotional wounding that they’ve inflicted on the man concerned.

See psych forums for more information.

 

The PC Muscle 

When a man knows the level of arousal in his body, and can feel the beginning of the fluttering of the muscles of the pelvis as they prepare for ejaculation and orgasm, he is in a better place to be able to control premature ejaculation.

The important stage, therefore, of any training program would go something like this: as his arousal increases, and he senses the contraction of the muscles of the pelvis becoming stronger, he can slow down his arousal with short lived, voluntary contractions of the pubococcygeal muscle. You can also read about this in ejaculation by command, a system for men to get complete control in bed.

This will inhibit the increase in his arousal.

Good sex depends on ejaculation control

Now, you may well have seen that a number of ejaculation control programs which suggest that it’s possible to control ejaculation by strengthening the pubococcygeal muscle and then using it to clamp down as the process of ejaculation commences.

I’ve researched the matter thoroughly and I can assure you that there is absolutely no possibility of controlling ejaculation by clamping down PC muscle.

For one thing, it doesn’t actually stop the process of ejaculation: if it works at all, it only works to stop the semen being ejected from the end of the penis.

What this means is that while contracting the PC muscle hard, you lose the pleasure of orgasm, you don’t control your ejaculation, and you also lose your erection.

However the interesting thing is that there is a way to use the pubococcygeal muscle as a means of ejaculation control when you’re learning to overcome premature ejaculation.

What you should actually be doing is contracting the muscle briefly at regular intervals in the run-up to “the point of no return”.

That is to say, as you become more aroused, you can contract the pubococcygeal muscle voluntarily, and as you do so, inhale. Then, holding the muscle, expel the air that you’ve inhaled in short sharp, explosive gasps.

This combination of physical muscle contraction and breathing will significantly reduce your arousal, interrupting the increase in your arousal and halting your headlong dash towards the point of no return.

It’s not entirely clear why this should be, although contracting the muscle in this way as you become more aroused will always cause a significant or noticeable decrease in the strength of your erection, and my assumption is that as your erection diminishes, the stimulation that your penis received diminishes, and so therefore does your arousal as well.

This is actually a well-known Tantric technique for ejaculation control, and well worth practicing at home if you want to find a way of controlling ejaculation during sex with your partner. Read about getting orgasm by command here – a radial idea if ever there were one!

Admittedly, this requires patience and tolerance and understanding on your partner’s part as well, so it’s worth while researching this and explaining what you’re going to do with her before you actually commence!

But what about other things can you do during intercourse to control rapid ejaculation?

Well, the classic advice is to find a sexual position in which your penis receives less stimulation, so you have a chance of lasting longer before you ejaculate.

Much has been written on the subject, and the various merits of different sexual positions been debated extensively in Internet forums and elsewhere.

What I can tell you with great certainty, however, is that whatever sex position you find most arousing will be the one that is least enabling of ejaculation control.

The sex positions that you find least arousing, either psychologically or physically — that is to say, the ones which place less pressure on your penis, and therefore provide less neural stimulation — are the ones that will help you last longer.

So in this category, we’re probably going to assume that rear entry sex is a no-no for most men who are learning to control premature ejaculation, simply because it is so arousing.

The same might also be true of the man on top sex position, which has the capacity to arouse and excite in a way that other positions do not.

This is because the muscular tension that you have to exert to keep your weight off the woman as you position yourself on top of her increases the amount of tension in your body.

Since orgasm is actually primarily the release of tension which has built up in the body, you can see that any sex position which increases bodily tension is likely to shorten the time between penetration and ejaculation.

Which just leaves – more or less  – sitting sex positions and the side-by-side sex position, The power of these is actually borne out by the reports that men have given me about how effective they can be in learning ejaculation control.

I strongly recommend that you use the side-by-side sex position if you wish to gain greater ejaculatory control because what you will find, when you practice, is that you can start of the man on top position and then turn onto your sides, in this way giving the woman plenty of pleasure and decreasing the s amount of pressure on your penis significantly.

So interestingly enough, this is a position which will place less pressure on your penis and so allow you to last longer, while not depriving woman of much pleasure. It’s ideal for ejaculation control because it allows you to lie still, talk to each other, caress all the erotic parts of each of other’s body….

… and, in particular, for a man with premature ejaculation, lying still in this way will prove to be a very effective means of ejaculation control.

The rationale is that he’s not receiving much stimulation to his penis, and so therefore he is much less likely to ejaculate. Thrusting is easy to control, but cannot be particularly deep in this position, which gives a man another helpful way to ensure that he doesn’t come too soon.

All in all this is an excellent lovemaking position for ejaculation control.

So to sum up, I’d like to list the combination of techniques that give a man ejaculation control to a very high degree: they are

• masturbation training to become familiar with sensations of the body before the point of no return and during the run-up to ejaculation
•  vaginal acclimatization
•  choosing the correct sex position
• using muscular control of the pubococcygeal muscle.

By combining all these techniques in various ways, you are likely to be able to establish complete control of your ejaculation within only a few weeks.

I’m often asked in my role as a sex counselor, “what is the best sex position?” 

Well, there’s no simple answer this question because what a couple find enjoyable depends on the orientation of the erect penis in the vagina, and also the relative size of the male and female genitals.

This means that one couple will find the physical pleasure of, say, man on top to be highly preferable to the physical pleasure of rear entry, while another couple may experience exactly the reverse.

No choice is right or wrong, it just depends on what suits a couple most.

Taken with the psychological and emotional pleasures of different sex positions, you can see that the opportunity for variation in favourite positions between couples is considerable.

However, one thing that almost all couples complain about is the fact that it’s rather difficult for the woman to reach orgasm during intercourse.

This is a perennial source of difficulty and friction for couples, where the woman expects to be able to get sexual pleasure, quite reasonably, from the activities of her man, but he is only interested in thrusting to ejaculation during intercourse.

One solution, of course, is for a man to spend a lot more time on foreplay, but the truth is, that very often men are reluctant to do this, even though there are many advantages to doing so: not least the fact that an aroused woman enjoys lovemaking, and she’s much more into the experience, than a woman who’s not been aroused.

So if the man is going to go rapidly to intercourse (i.e. thrusting) then he clearly has a responsibility to ensure that it’s prolonged for the maximum duration possible, so as to ensure that woman can get an orgasm and full sexual pleasure.

In addition he also has a responsibility to try and ensure that she has an orgasm. The one method that might allow couples to enjoy orgasm during intercourse is the coital alignment technique, a sexual technique which is a modification of the standard missionary position. Click here to read all about it.

The coital alignment technique specifically requires the man and woman to adopt a different orientation during lovemaking.

To start with, the man enters as he would during standard missionary sex, and then shifts his body upwards, so that the angle of his penis is bent backwards, and that his pelvic bone, or pubic bone more specifically, is located in the general area of his partner’s clitoris.

Then, instead of thrusting backwards and forwards, a couple adopt a rocking motion which is more of an up-and-down motion of their pelvises.

If done correctly, the coital alignment technique will have the effect of allowing the man’s pubic bone to stimulate the whole clitoral area of the woman, resulting in a level of stimulation that may well produce an orgasm if the man does not ejaculate too soon.

Now I know this is only one of the sex positions available to many couples, but it’s one of the best sex positions for couple who want enjoy female orgasm and maybe simultaneous orgasm during sexual intercourse.